Story Time-I am a pretty princess!

I often think as if there were stories always happening. I love to compare things. I love parables. I love nuances. I love a really good story that pulls me out of my day to day existence and transports me. Makes me think. Makes me wonder. And heres a few thoughts I have been having....

Side note:My daughter recently gave me insight to the way she thinks. And she thinks in stories too...except her stories are so much better than mine, because she puts stories to music. Every song she hears creates in her imagination a story to go with it. I feel honored to get a little insight to what she thinks about. As a parent, so much of my day to day is devoted to the care and feeding and cleaning. Have you ever really thought about what THEY  are thinking about? I have and now I know....she lives a much more colorful life!

And I have been thinking a lot about my story, and her story and her father's story...and our story. 

And how as we grow up really imagining our fantasy life...our fairy tale if you will.

I was recently talking to someone and said something to the effect of "it isn't your typical fairy tale story" and she said...."WHOSE IS? " This is so profound, because we are all the pretty princesses who just want to marry Prince Charming and live happily ever after. Well thats what I have always wanted! 

Sometimes, happily ever after feels like a lie or a joke. Ever feel that way?  

Some of us start off more like the ugly step sister, some of us never get a Prince Charming, some of us lose our Prince Charming. Some of us never have children, or struggle to just have one, only to be asked why not have more, there are those who  lose our children to early to death, or we have children born with disabilities or mental illness.  We are faced with our Princes going to school, getting multiple jobs,  losing their jobs, and family members passing on way too early.  We have to juggle jobs in and outside of the house, often trying to keep that pretty princess smile plastered on our faces, hoping no one sees how truly exhausted we are! There are a million trials I haven't even begun to name...but you can, because you just thought of something YOU ARE GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW.

 Our idea of how our life is supposed to be at any given moment is really not unfolding the way WE THINK IT SHOULD. And ladies and gents  I am going to set you free .....IT NEVER DOES. NO ONE  gets the golden ticket. If you think someones life is free from strife and heartache, you just have NOT LIVED LONG ENOUGH.

Here is the magic, and it does exist...the fairy tale is truly believing in  and loving the LIFE YOU HAVE.  Right now. This moment. And if you are experiencing a trial YOU can change, know that you and only  YOU Have the ability to make that happen. 

My Grandma in law is 95. She suffers from dementia, and some alzheimers, and a laundry list of physical stuff...cuz shes 95. And she has HAD A HARD, TOUGH life. She worked HARD  next to her husband in the fields. She lost every single baby she gave birth to except one, and I cant remember but I know it was at least 8 babies. She and her husband did not agree on religion, but from what everyone says, they were well suited for each other. Working hard and living hard, they took care of each other. The family talks fondly of them wearing stocking caps on their heads at night and how vicks vapo rub cured many a illness. Her husband passed many years ago, which she has currently forgotten, and she calls out to him in a litany of her husband's name, saying "hurry"..."hurry"... "hurry". The running joke is Papa was never fast at anything, and Grandma was always impatient...even now...shes bossin him to hurry it up. 

So if you are troubled, or going through something especially difficult let me just tell you...its hard, it might even get harder...but at the end of the hard trial you will have survived. 

I love a good story. And what good fairy tale doesn't have a few dragons to slay. Do you know why the story always ends at happily ever after? Cuz that part is BORING.  Everyone wants to know how people survived their trials, not enjoyed their happy times. I am a serious optimist. It gets annoying I am sure. And it is really irritating to me when I feel less than optimistic.;) I just cant stay that way for long. I see too much beauty in life. Too much joy in my daughters face. Too much warmth in my husbands hand. But I know and feel the pain that I have felt recently and that others feel and I want to give HOPE. 

 Another friend recently posted a few picture of us from like 18 years ago. We were single, living in a college town, struggling with those single, college age struggles Mormon girls often do...will he ask me out...is this a cute outfit...where are we going for dinner? Life was so fun, and EASY. AH YOUTH. I have always been grateful for my friends of that time. They helped shape me into the strong, confident person that writes this today.  When I stand before my Maker, they will be on the list of pure angels at my side. I was always the awkward princess...and I never felt anything but pure love. I could go on for pages on how they served me a great deal. And we had fun the whole time.

That's the other element. We had our fair share of trials...don't let me belittle that time...but I think it is key that we found fun where fun was, and let other things go. 

So believe in yourself, remember there are no HAPPILY EVER AFTERS... and

You are still a pretty princess...oh wait, nope, my daughter told me recently I can't be a princess anymore....and I asked her why, and she said, "Cuz, Mama...YOU ARE THE QUEEN!"...thats right baby, I AM! And you can be too. 

Hello, my name is Ruth and I love an ExMormon

Hello. My name is Ruth and I love an ExMormon.
This will be a repeat affair for many of you. Bear with my story, if you stick with me you will see there is a purpose to it.
First, let me say I talked to my husband, the ExMormon in question, and he has agreed to let me share our story...so here goes!
I was as Molly Mormon as you can get, teaching Gospel Doctrine, attending temple once a week, loving my Mormon life. We met eleven years ago at a Church dance. I saw him immediately, wearing all black and looking FINE. I was so sure of myself during that time I waited for him to ask me to dance and when he didn't I went straight to him, and asked him. I was so sad he was inactive- I had a rule no inactive dating. I didn't go out with him right away. A disappointing date with a widower who spoke of his ex-wife the whole time led me to want to call someone ...fun. We went on our first date and became pretty inseparable. I was struggling at the time with the way people acted in the church, especially with older single sisters...I was a horrible 31...and here was this inactive guy who was just so sweet. We fell madly in love and got married a little over a year after we met.
 I had become inactive during out courtship but a spiritual experience led me back to the Church about a year after we were married. I asked my husband if it was ok. He assured me it was. He said and joked, I always knew I would marry a Mormon girl. He supported my choices, but never came. We settled into life.  Five years ago we had a beautiful baby girl, and he did not feel comfortable coming back to church to decide for himself if it was true. We had her blessed by his father. He was supportive of that as well.
 I would invite the missionaries to dinner, which he liked, but it was always a bit uncomfortable. Until one fateful day about two years ago, he asked them a question about how he would discover the truth himself. He was given a scripture, and from that day forward, became immersed in the Book of Mormon. He read it extremely fast. He started meeting with missionaries and then started coming to Church.  He was changing. He seemed happier. His understanding of the scriptures astounded many..he had a way of explaining it that made you feel like you were there. His spiritual side was amazing . That whole time I was scared. Scared he would stop. I resisted the change because I was afraid he would turn one day and say its all a lie. I didn't want that. He decided he wanted more. He wanted the Priesthood, he wanted to do what he could to go to the temple with me. Everything moved extremely fast, and while I was so very happy for him, I could not help but worry. That worry dissolved when we were sealed to our daughter October 2011. Someone referred to me as getting "the golden ticket". I felt unsure as to why I was so blessed to have this wondrous change in my family, but I embraced it. In my head  started planning future temple trips around the country, going on Church History vacations....I was so excited.
Then, a week after our anniversary June 2012, as quickly as he came back to the Church, he told me my worst fear, that he thought Joseph Smith and everything related to the Church was a lie. He had been studying on many Ex-Mormon websites and he felt the historical facts he discovered far outweighed any spiritual feelings he had. I was devastated. My whole world did indeed collapse and shatter. That same week his entire mouth filled with canker sores- his feelings of betrayal manifested so deeply I believe, his body rebelled.We have both felt anger, betrayal and distrust that wasn't and hasn't been easy for either of us.  That was the beginning of a year that has tested our strength and resolve. We love each other, but at times, it felt like love wasn't enough. We currently still feel that love is enough, but am saddened but what "support" I have found online for those of us who love our Ex-Mormon spouses.  The bulk of it seems unfair and biased, and I want a safe haven for those of us who want to navigate our lives with people who simply do not believe the same way we do. So I am taking the bull by the horns and I am creating a Facebook Group....I love an ExMormon. I am hoping it provides a support where we who are as the Exes call us TBMS(true blue mormons), can talk, support and find some answers to questions about everyday life. How to discuss with out arguing, how to deal with differences in raising our children, how to just deal. And I am blogging to open it up to those who may not know me. The Group is for anyone who loves an ExMormon. I hope you can feel that I want this place to be a place of peace, love and answers, no contention, judgement and hate are going to be accepted.

2 years-What a journey!

Ah yes, I was recently reminded that 2 years have gone by since I decided to run a 5k....and change my life.
I became friends with a exercise powerhouse of a woman, who ran alongside me and prodded me. I will NEVER FORGET  how I thought I would truly DIE  that first mile. Or the ensuing WEEK  of wheezing due to inactivity and exercise induced asthma.As I think back on it..it makes me smile!
 Or the weeks of just making it...and watching her shoes ahead of me. Or the hills. And then. I fell in love with running...the freedom of it. The power felt. I was so happy to find my niche...you all know the story. I ran a 5 k. Then...my cerebral palsy kicked in and reminded me, that I have limits...this caused a huge and I mean HUGE DOMINO EFFECT..
I had to stop running. I had to be casted and then braced. I had to rethink everything physical. I gave up exercising. I wont lie..I was a teeny tiny bit bitter. I gained the weight  back too.
Meanwhile, I got carpal tunnel in my good hand and elbow, had to go on leave for work, and we lost our house. We have moved 3 times since that fateful decision.
But, even as I was learning to love running, my husband was learning to love scriptures and the Gospel, He became enraptured of the scriptures ..learning and growing into a spiritual powerhouse that amazed everyone around him. It was a bright place for me, even though my physical body was giving me problems, I seemed to be gaining so much in my marriage and family that it seemed like the phrase" When God closes a door he opens a window"...AND  what a window he opened! I feel so grateful to all the people who inspired and befriended us during this time. It was amazing.
 Just as I had started  to relearn how to deal with my brace, he decided that the Church we attended was no longer for him. It was a blow to my spirit and heart that I still cannot fully express. He didn't trust in the very things that had previously made him happy. How was he ever going to even trust in me again?
Why...why was Heavenly Father taking me to these places of greatest joy, and peace and happiness..only for the adversary to rip them away?
Oh, how sorry I felt for myself. was so very alone. It was a dark and horrible place. And yet, with prayer and scripture study, I came to understand (AGAIN) what my purpose in life was here. Even as my husband fell out of love for his previous faith, I became more aware of the strength of mine...and even...realized(AGAIN)..I am not a victim. I am a survivor. I am capable of much, much more! And I was determined that my family, my marriage would not fall victim to the trials we were facing.
And so here we are, in a home we love (made hubby promise no more moving til we BUY). The dust has settled on the explosion of all our trials...we have found common ground and I am just as in love with my husband as I was when we were first married.
I am back to exercising (modified of course) and healthy eating. I am going to make it this time. I cannot say that I am trial free...I am getting arthritis in my good hand. This makes things difficult...but I am a warrior. I am in control of my body, my life. Really learned that we are the sum of our choices. Our future depends on today. We can choose happiness.YES EVEN WHEN HORRIBLE THINGS ARE HAPPENING. We can choose to believe in ourselves..and OTHERS. Even as bad and terrible things happen to us, we CAN still continue to make the right choice. What have YOU OVERCOME?  Are you in the wallowing stage? are you ready to come out on the other side...fighting and being the one who is in CHARGE.  Because you are ...thats the truth.

Moving Day

Well here I am: just hours away from moving again, as I was  about to unplug my computer and internet and I just felt like blogging a little.
It has been a crazy week. I started off feeling sick, then got better..really better ...then Wednesday...got hit with a sinus infection. Its the kind that kills your brain when you lay down flat, so sleep has eluded me.
I am feeling much better, but would much rather curl up in front of a fire with a good book and some hot cocoa than move my household goods in the rain...BUT THEN...who wouldn't choose that!
Coming to the decision to move again was one thought out, prayed upon, logically reasoned and ultimately, I have this theory, if its right, God will help you along your path.
So much has pointed to the very truth that He is helping us!
We are lucky this time 90% of our stuff is in a storage unit. I have most of my stuff at my sister in laws already over at the new house...except for all the physical labor of actually carting boxes etc back and forth, this should be a cinch...
So as a whole, I am really excited to move in. I am excited to have a fireplace again after 6 years! I am excited to have little dinner parties, and I am excited to CRAFT AGAIN! And EVA IS HAPPY! She is loving her new room, and gets upset that she has to leave...this is a really good thing, as she was nervous at first to move again. And Frank is happy...he needs his personal space, and he is enjoying the house already!
Yay for us...now off I go to unplug everything !
See ya'll later!

HAPPY NEW YEAR~!

Recently, Eva and I watched the latest in the Tinkerbell sagas.The Secret of the Wings...it is all about snow fairies. My daughter and I both LOVE the snow. It instantly appealed to us. We were out in the snow yesterday, and in her young eyes, she is sure one day we can CATCH  one of those fairies! Ah, yes, this is a glorious time! My sweet girl is growing up, and I have loved how fantastic the journey is! 

I have so much energy in the winter, and I absolutely love the  New Year's week preceding my Birthday. It always feels so filled with promise. Good bye old crusty year, with your dirty broken promises and failed dreams....hello New year, let me dust off those resolutions...see how they sparkle again! I love making resolutions and  some say if you WRITE THEM DOWN,  they are easier realized. This isn't always true for me. But why break tradition?

So without further ado...here are some of my resolutions:

1.Be HAPPIER:This seems simple, but last year had a few happiness potholes, and I didn't navigate around them fast enough, got sucked in a bit of despair. I pulled out, but it left me feeling bland. I plan on Doing things that fulfill me, and bring me joy. Find the joy in the simple things I used to love.

2. Spend more time outdoors, exploring. I love hiking around, so if you know of any really awesome spots in Northern California, let me know!In the meantime, our little family started yesterday by sledding! Yay for me- that brought me great happiness AND  we were exploring!

3.Exercise and health are back on the table. I honestly fell off this wagon so much last year! But heres the deal, I think its a constant battle for some of us.  I personally LOVE food. I have a serious LOVE for some exercise. But the two don't always mix. Heres to mixing it up in 2013( note that number 2 incorporates EXERCISE TOO..;)

4. I am going back to journalling privately, to get to a better me. I am still gonna blog, just also have a private journal. 

5.Spiritually, I am doing ok, but scripture study is always in need of improvement, and I plan on fitting in monthly temple attendance.

6. SAVE MONEY AND GET OUT OF DEBT.  We have 2 more years til we can buy a house. But this year we plan on being  debt free! Whoo hoo for us!

7. (this goes with#6: save for our 10 year anniversary vacation!;) Its this June...and Frank has time off again in December! )

8. enjoy Eva more. I already delight in her, but shes growing so fast, I  feel like I need to relish every second!

9.this quote spoke to me and I am ending the resolutions with it: Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction. Break the habit. Talk about your joys!-Rita Schiano 

Now THATS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT!

Hope everyones 2013 is the best year yet! Heres to fresh beginnings! 

LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED

So I have missed blogging my life. I thought I would be a better blogger, and then get back to my journalling that was a huge part of my life for decades. But life got in the way. Here are my excuses and  WHY IM BLOGGING AGAIN:
First, we decided to move-again. This time we want to be on the fast track to pay off our debt, save huge amounts of money  and get back to being the homeowners we once were. However, renting is well, a touchy thing...its quite expensive to rent. We weren't seeing a way that we could accomplish saving for a home. We have been blessed to be invited into my hubby's sister's home so that we can do that. Truly, this woman is a saint, and I love her to death- even without us moving in to her home! I am so glad that she is as generous and kind as she is!
That does mean, though, that I gotta pack up EVERYTHING IN THE NEXT MONTH.
Second, my brace has kept me from falling. But my hip is not strong, and exercising and wearing the brace all day is harder than I thought. I am tired and have gotten blisters where the foot and leg are touching the brace. It has been discouraging. My body is not cooperating with me. I feel frustrated.  My elbow still hurts, and BenGay is my friend.
I have not been exercising. Confession. But I am back on track...kind of.
Third, I had to find my little girl  a preschool in the new area we were moving, this meant driving down and looking. I was Praying and worrying that I was making the right choice. I never felt good about them...until I went with my gut about a recommendation of a high school friend's.  I finally decided on that one. It started August 1st, we have been commuting a half hour most of August, 3 times a week....I say most because little E got sick and we were all down for the count for almost a week. We still have residuals of the colds. Or maybe its a new one. Who knows. The Kleenex company should give us coupons for how many boxes we have gone through! Blast them!
Fourth, and most importantly.... I have been given a unique opportunity to really ponder what and how and why I believe spiritually the way I do. To protect the innocent and even not so innocent, I will not use names or share situations, however,this is why I haven't blogged and why I need to now. Its also important to me to share here some of why I believe what I do. It helps me.
 So many who know me and read this know that my childhood was less than beautiful. I was raised by a drug using and selling, wife abusing, pedophiliac for a father, and a mother who did her best given her circumstances. We moved 30 times before I was 12( I don't like to move-and I like to make roots now because of this). We did not have religion in our home. But I always knew there was a God. ALWAYS. Not because I was ever taught...I just knew.
The people who knew me before I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, or Mormons, say I haven't changed much. They say I am still kind and spiritual and yes, bossy, and they love me. They are the ones who rescued me from the hell that I knew as my home. They are the ones who gave me normalcy. You KNOW WHO YOU ARE.  To me, and for me, always, the same is true for The LDS faith. It rescued me. It brought me EVERYTHING: peace, understanding of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and it brought me FORGIVENESS. Because of the LDS faith, I  was able to heal from a past that had broken my spirit..on so many levels. I am the woman I am today BECAUSE OF MY FAITH. It is true to me. It is my path. It is my religion and I do love it. Perhaps because I came from the darkest place a person can come, I understand the need and the search for peace. I understand the need to find your place in this world, your sense of peace and understanding of what God wants for you. And I understand that my faith....is NOT FOR EVERYONE.
I believe there are MANY good and righteous paths for people to take in this world. I hope your path makes you as happy as mine makes me. I believe that God truly loves ALL OF HIS CHILDREN.  He wants to see us again. I think He wants and expects us to love each other, to allow for differences of opinion, remain respectful and reserve judgement for the Almighty, for only He know our hearts. I am far from perfect. I do not claim to know all things. I hope that if your understanding of my religion, my faith- is unfavorable, you respect me for my choice. Name calling and judgement are for the football field-not for someone's faith. I would leave a witness of what I think God wants from everyone- Or at least wants from me!It manifested itself  about 2 weeks ago by reading many scriptures and praying and fasting...it is simple...just LOVE EACH OTHER...I have truly been trying this method out...even halting my mind when I think unkind things about others, or myself. It has transformed me. I have a ways to go, but life is easier when you stop and just Love yourself and others...the Beatles had it right: ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE.

Spinach salad

Heres my salad go to for almost every night- you can adapt to your own specifications 

First cook your chicken!

I marinated my chicken breast in a little olive oil ,a couple shakes of  basil, garlic powder ( next time I will use real garlic and more lemon)salt , pepper and a lemon and lime juice overnight( You want your chicken juicy and flavorful but not overpowering....I baked it 350 about 45 minutes  and it seemed dry at first, but I threw the breasts in a ziplock and into the fridge for the week....Eva loves to eat "white chicken and I love it on my salads!

On a large plate place:

1.5 cups 50/50 salad(or whatever salad mix you like)

1.5 cups of fresh spinach

1/4 fuji apple sliced, very thin

about a handful of baby carrots ( if they are big for baby carrots you may have to slice them diagonal like I did.)

then take pieces of chicken out- about a 1/2 cup and place that on top ( add more if you like!)

top with a sprinkling of craisins and almonds

(when I have it I love to use slivers of kerrygold white aged cheddar- its Irish- and expensive but eva and I adore this cheese and a little goes a long, long way..) You can get it here in Sacramento at Raleys/BelAir or Sprouts (sprouts is about a $1 cheaper) I  cannot say enough about this cheese...just a little is so flavorful and good and sometimes Eva and I eat it sliced with apple slices for lunch! I also love it on top of my scrambled eggs....

Needless to say. We were out of the cheese. So I left it off, making it even more healthy....

Now the honey mustard dressing. I make enough for a week at a time.     This is the not good for you part! 

Equal Parts honey and regular yellow mustard (abt 1/4 cup)

double mayo so abt 1/2 cup

then the juice of 1 lemon

WHISK UNTIL COMBINED, DRIZZLE ONTO YOUR SALAD IN INCREMENTS OF TABLESPOONS 

THIS IS SO GOOD ON THE CHICKEN

You may have to adjust as the lemon could be too strong or it could be too sweet or too mustardy, but on the whole its pretty easy 

Memories of Mom

Hey Mom! This is a picture of you holding your first granddaughter, Tamara. You were never happier than when you were surrounded by babies, your children, a few kitties and the outdoors....You loved and cherished your privacy, and kept guarded secrets your entire life, but could chew the fat with complete strangers, telling them your life story at that moment. Your creative artistic heart molded you into the beautiful eccentric woman that touched so many. You were warm, kind to a fault, and taught me many, many things. 

You didn't trust the establishment, which included doctors, and this was your last worst mistake. You passed away six years today of cervical cancer. From the time you were diagnosed on February 10th til your passing, you fought like a warrior woman. Your doctors could not believe your fortitude. The Hospice nurses and caregivers even came away from their experience with amazement at your strength and sense of humor. You made us all laugh til the very end. You were called to the other side, and like you said in your last week, we don't get to pick when, He does. 

You left a huge hole on this side, one that has been difficult for those who love you. Oh, how we have missed you, how I have missed you....I have bared down and been strong, but this week has been rough. I have cried my fair share of sorry tears- I have felt sad I can't complain to you! Haha...you never liked that anyway!

Remember when I would come home as a child after being teased for my little cerebral palsy, and you would hold me as I cried and cried and cried? That is such a clear memory, your love dispelled the hate and the meanness, and now my memory only holds the beauty of my mother holding me at the worst times- I know you continue to hold me today and I am so grateful for you as my mom.  I have remembered you in the best of ways, and will continue to strive to be as kind and generous as you were during your lifetime. Today I thank you for being there when you could, and keeping a watchful eye now when we need you. I know we will meet again, and when we do, dear mother, I will be glad to chew the fat with you and catch up on the years passed. And perhaps ask you,  mother dearest, why you had to tell Eva about the joy of no shoes before she came down to bless us! 

Brace time!

OK,  so all during the series casting, I was uncomfortable. Sometimes it was painful. And I kept living for the dream. The dream when I could get this brace, and all my worries and troubles would end. You know what's probably comin right? 

The trouble: Earlier this week I fell twice in the same day. It was when I was walking down a step, and AGAIN-IN A HURRY.  Sigh, will I ever learn? On the second fall my left foot caught the doorstep and my ankle/foot twisted backwards- I could feel it as I went down-in my head I knew it was going to break... and as I thought that I felt a push and landed on my right side of my butt. Oh the pain. I saw lights. I couldn't breathe for a few seconds. All in front of my husband and daughter. My husband said it looked like I broke my ankle. They were very worried. I couldn't speak or move for several minutes so excruciating was the pain. The whole reason for the rush was to capture our little kitten who escaped out the front door- she is not allowed outside and then she got spooked by a big scary dog- so I breathed out "GET JINXIE" He was like no-you are hurt- but I said please and he went chasing after our silly mischievous cat.  My little empathatic daughter stayed right by my side, quiet as a mouse, waiting. I didn't even realize she was there. Now for those of you who know my daughter-you also know she has her mama's gift for gab. Bless her heart, she must have been so scared. She just sat down by my head and waited. When I opened my eyes she was there, and I said oh, Eva,I'm ok, and she just put her hand on my hand and we waited for Frank to come back. It wasn't more than a  few minutes but it seemed extraordinarily long. And I was in so much pain, I didn't dare try to stand. Frankie helped me up and placed me on the couch. You can't really break a butt cheek, but you can create a big, giant knot ball of pain. As we talked about what happened, I realized, I have an angel by my side. Had I not been "pushed" I would have broken my ankle. My husband could not believe my left ankle was fine. Does everyone understand the magnitude of that? My good ankle being broken? I would have been wheelchair bound for the time it takes to heal. With one hand to push the wheelchair. SO I WAS SAVED. This week I have been sitting on my left side and I went off the exercise. My right side is all jiggly and uncooperative when I walk, and that could mean more falling....so exercise has to be limited. I am grateful for my unseen angel friend- but I ain't pushing my luck! 

FALLING IS TROUBLE-FALLING IS BAD. 

So my brace is gonna stop the falling. I love the idea of my brace. 

I got my brace yesterday afternoon, and  it isn't what I expected. It's  very uncomfortable. My orthotist was pleased as punch at the mention of my discomfort-good he said. Where?I showed him where and he explained that my discomfort was because the brace is literally forcing my foot to not pronate outwards...thus discomfort.NO PRONATION=NO FALLING. As my foot complies to the brace, and the muscles start to grow correctly, my discomfort will decrease. This week I am to wear it for a little while and take it off for a little while. Absolutely no exercising in it for now. I started thinking of horses and wondered if this is how you break a horse into saddle wearing.

I walk slower and its slightly painful. And the weight is unfamiliar so I 'm a little limpy. I wore it for an hour and a half and it exhausted my foot and leg. I am also feeling the tightness of my long underused or inappropriately used muscles stretching. 

As I was chatting with a friend I told her I have to start over again- and she reminded me but this is the LAST TIME I have to start over again. Nothing worthwhile is easy. 

From here on out its forward HO....

Day one-done. 

My mother's face

Today I went to see my Grandma and Granddad
Our relationship at its core is deeply complex. I get nervous going to see them. One of the reasons manifested itself today. During the visit, Grandma was playing with E and she made the EXACT  face my mother did when she would play with little children. I gasped and even said out loud this very fact. She continued to play with Eva and I looked on in wonder and also a jelly roll of uncomfortable pain in my stomach. My mom would have just gushed over E. It brings a tear to my eye just thinking on it.
I miss her so and to look at my grandma, so like my mom, I wanted to stay and keep looking. A here and now reminder of mom's expressions, and features.
Then Granddad was doing his usual- too much. Trying to plant flowers in the ground for spring- even when we ask to help him, he shoos away all of our requests. He has been extremely tired lately, and Grandma says he isn't doing well.  Still, he gave Eva a little potted flower and she lit up like a Christmas tree. My daughter loves plants as much as me or her Grandma Janet or her Great Grandparents.
He tired himself out after planting some of the flowers, and came in to sit a spell. He fell asleep in his chair and Eva and I went over to say goodbye- unintentionally waking him up. His mouth was EXACTLY  like mom's when I would wake her up. It was the second time during the visit that it took me by surprise. And it worried me. He looks too tired.  Too much like Mom did near the end. It made me scared.
They are in their 90's so its a older picture of my mom, but its still a glimpse. Like a shadow that passes.
This shadow is haunting and the grief and loss are still there, deeply buried in my heart. At certain times, the grief bubbles to the surface and her loss doesn't seem like a dream, but a fresh blood red cut-oozing and waiting for me to stop the bleeding. Tonight, I tried to bandage it the way I usually do- I ate crappy junk food. It used to do the trick. Since I have been eating healthier, it didn't work.The food tastes good for a sec, but then it made my stomach hurt and I wanted water. Water? Ya- on my THIRD GLASS TONIGHT!  And you know, the best part is that I was able to come and WRITE  about it. I have to just get through April with the right mindset. April is my "bad month" where I eat too much without thinking- trying to keep that wicked grief from bubbling up. And when it does to reach for a freakin carrot next time!  I may be a little maudlin and weepy for a while...you may not even hear from me til May but I AM TAKING APRIL BACK!
Here's a list of all the WONDERFUL THINGS ABOUT APRIL-
*I LOVE GENERAL CONFERENCE- AND I get to watch it in my pjs on my TV!
*Easter
* my sweet husband's birthday
* the month I usually start planning my summer garden, and planting early flowers and such
*IRONICALLY-  the month I conceived Eva- which I think of as mom's little hand in trying to make April a little better!
So, as in times past, writing and focusing on the positive...the pit in my stomach- better.

Randomly- tomorrow I get my brace! Its gonna be another adventure!

Broken Mirrors

For the last few days I been having a recurring dream. It involves me playing with Eva, and we are near a mirror. This is not unusual, however, during our play, the mirror shatters into many pieces, and sometimes even lands in my skin. There is no terror only humor as we laugh it off, and clean up the mess. But what does it mean?
I am a big dreamer. Dreams have always helped me to overcome and make sense of my inner self. I feel it is a gift and have even had prayers TRULY ANSWERED IN MY DREAMS.
So I was totally confused about broken mirrors. The funny thing is I wasn't worried, and neither was Eva. It was like a good thing. But in one of the dreams the mirror scarred me.
So I did a google search on dream interpretation and found this from dreammoods.com:
"To break a mirror in your dream suggests that you are breaking an old image of yourself. You may be putting an end to an old habit. Breaking a mirror is also an old symbol for seven years of bad luck. To see a cracked or broken mirror in your dream. represents a poor or distorted self-image. Alternatively, it means that you have put an end to your old habits and ways."


WOW!  Am I ever happy to see that! Now you can believe in dream interpretation or not, I don't really mind if you think its all a crock...some of it is. But sometimes its our inner self..our spirit trying to tell us something. And if we listen to that inner self, we just might be blessed . 

There are many commitments and changes I have made to myself since January..my most important one- to have control over my bouts of anger. And it is exciting to me that in my dream, Eva seemed to be so happy. It is significant that this one act will completely change her childhood. There is nothing I can do to thank my Heavenly Father for helping me to realize what anger does to others. 

We are changing our diets around here too. I have quit caffeine...I have an occasional soda  when at a restaurant, but  more often than not, I choose water.. I have gotten my husband...who doesn't eat veggies, to try spinach in a green smoothie, spinach in an omelet, and just tonight...he took spinach off my plate and ate it! WOW! I  am so proud of him! 

I have been drinking fruit smoothies with protein every morning, and feel so alive! So joyful...so in control. There are alot of carbs, so I need to work on that, but, well..its a START!

Due to my disability, I have to modify my exercise, and be grateful for what I can do. It is HARD for me to admit this. I hate seeing the disability. I like to pretend that it is not there. But my body cannot put up with my pretending anymore. I MUST MODIFY.  I must slow down. I MUST.

It breaks my heart that April is coming and I won't be running. I was thinking about it tonight. Running was easy, put one foot in front of the other...exercise like Zumba is not easy.  I am not coordinated. I have a hard time making my limbs do things-much less  aerobically- I feel like a fish out of water, with my tongue stuck to the side of my mouth...but I AM GONNA KEEP TRYING. Exercise is good for my broken body...MODIFIED.

But someday friends,when I am with our Father in Heaven I am going to ask Him to let my feet fly...and I am going to go on one GLORIOUS RUN....I hope to have a few friends running with me..enjoying the path.

HERES TO BROKEN MIRRORS, BREAKING OLD HABITS AND STARTING FRESH...NO MATTER WHERE WE ARE IN THE JOURNEY! 

Biggest Loser.Facebook Style!

My poor blog..I am all over the place. But its my life and its real...what can I say?
OK! So I have gone through my fair share of concerns by posting the pictures. Its one thing to post privately...but on a BLOG? Kill me now of embarrassment. I have an internal beauty clock that NEVER MATCHES  my external...its time to change.
I  'm posting my before pictures...mind you the decision was so hard I ate In and Out today, complete with a chocolate shake and Dr Pepper...it took a lot of fat and sugar to muster up the courage! Tomorrow's a new day! Whether you are part of a challenge- or just hoping to challenge yourself...just remember...if a flabby girl with CP and a future brace can do it...so can you.

Pre cast weight

adds 5 pounds and back pain! 5 more days!

not sucking in...

side view...can I say..I love my hair right now! ;)

Spring..COMING BACK TO SQUARE ONE

Ah, March! How I adore you! I love the craziness in the air...one day you are 70 degrees and the next we are freezing with rain that has been prayed for. I love knowing officially this month we will "spring ahead" and Spring will officially start. The tender tulips and  happy daffodils are pushing their way through cold and unyielding soil to make their tiny mark and burst forth in glorious color. They are the trumpeters of warmer climes.
I am a woman who loves the heralding of seasons. I love how Mother Nature glories in each season. Each has  a special way, and there is an excitement every time for me as I get to witness God's creations on Earth.

This month I get to be done with the casts. Tomorrow is my last cast...hopefully. And then I will be fitted for a brace.
In the process, I have been forced by the casts to slow down. Walking exhausts me and causes great pain with the cast if done for too long.  This, in addition to the stress of everyday life, has had me reaching far too many times to my comfort foods. And this has led me back to square one...the weight I was LAST  year at this time when I started thinking I needed to make changes.
Its disheartening. Its frustrating. It makes me feel a tiny bit defeated. But like those little daffodils, I am a happy creature, and I choose to think positive and make changes where need be.
So, a few weeks ago I cut out Diet Dr Pepper. This is HUGE.  Its been 2 weeks. But I have replaced that little happy habit with my Cadbury Mini Eggs. I have gained many pounds  because of those little treats. And usually I overindulge in April, which is secondary to my coping with my mother's passing. This year, Easter is early, and my coping has taken on an extra month. It is a EXTREMELY  difficult thing to admit last week I ate an entire bag in a day. I have a problem. I have decided to stop eating Cadbury eggs and REDUCING  candy treats until Easter. To help me stay and feel motivated I joined a friend's Biggest Loser Challenge through Facebook. There is a weigh in and I have asked to weigh in tomorrow before my cast is put on so that I can be fair. I have to post a pic of my weigh in. And nothing says motivation like a picture of your weight for 75+ other women to see. I want my thinner, healthier self back.
This next week will be most difficult, because I once again, will be weighted down with a cast, but later, with my brace, I plan on walking again. I have other high hopes, that I will keep to myself just now...
To offset the inability to really work out, I have chosen to be brutally honest on this Blog for all to see, so as to make myself accountable and I have chosen to reduce refined sugar treats. They are my weakness. So I gotta get rid of em. I had my first green smoothie today and it was delicious!
Theme for this year has been: NO MORE EXCUSES.... time to ante up!
Look for my  picture post tomorrow...weigh in for me.

NEW CAST...BLUE CAST...

NUMBER #2 CAST!
I love the way that sounds Dr Seussish ...don't you?
So friends and family...I have to say I am not ALWAYS OBEDIENT. Stop gasping in mock horror...I know its a slight problem of mine to think I am right. My solution is the better solution. Man has that ever come and hit me in the face. Or rather, little pinkie toe.
Its still numb...
And my orthotist said today...in 38 years...this has never happened to him. Well, he never had ME as a patient...(I thought proudly, and smugly that I had stumped him- haha stumped..get it.. prosthetics is his gig...hehehe) So he decided to cast me exposing the little toe more and made me promise to take it off at any point of pain. Because the nerve would feel pain...due to the fact that that area was not numb, just my little toe.

Then Eva wanted blue and we got to casting. Asked him sweetly about my future brace and types of shoes and he said lace up exercise shoes will be fine... and I said what about other kinds? He said he would not even attempt to wonder, because he isn't sure what kind of brace I am gonna have at this point.
Because I'm a stubborn I can do this by myself kind of girl, I did not call for back up to watch Eva or drive me like the OTHER TWO APPOINTMENTS. Really thought he wasn't gonna cast me, and truly felt like it would waste someone's time.
 So after casting he said go ahead and wait, we will wheel you out to your car...and you can go straight home and put on  you shoe.
HAHA ...I said, "we couldn't find any shoes".
"Impossible!" he said..."just get a 11 or 12 in woman'e lace up..like Converse...and open up the laces until it fits...I told you that week one...what have you been doing for walking?" The light bulb turned on in his head..."you have been walking with your toes exposed? BUT THIS ISN'T THAT KIND OF A CAST! YOU HAVE TO HAVE A SHOE! You cannot walk without a shoe...its probably how you got hurt....you may NOT  walk without a shoe."
In my defense, I EXPLAINED...I tried slippers, but I didn't want to buy
 some big, ol clown shoe...that would be so much more difficult to walk in, and, AHEM, SLOW ME DOWN.  He looked at me and said ....."THATS KINDA THE POINT. What is so wrong with slowing down? You HAVE TO SLOW DOWN."

Now this said,I called a lot of people last miunute to assist me to getting"shoe compliant" cuz I can't just sit on my duff all week- I have things to DO. But no one was available.  The cast is heavy and does slow me down and I chose to drag Eva SLOWLY  through the mall to Payless Shoes and I promised she could get an ice cream if she helped me...she did great...so proud of my little woogie! I went to Payless and got me a big ol clown shoe and matchers in the right size to attempt to help balance and gait.
 Eva said after getting the cone..."momma you know I know what you are thinking..."
"What baby?"
" You want to go sit and eat ice cream down by the fountain..."(I did not...but she was so sweet...we hobbled our way down there!)Pictures will post to facebook, and I will add here later.
Moral of the story kids....a clown shoe today is worth no numb toes tomorrow...

Chicken Enchilada Soup

Because so many have asked! 

Ruth’s Chicken Enchilada Soup

RUTH’S NOTES:  make it simple or make it hard….but MAKE THIS SOUP- YOUR FAMILY WILL LOVE YOU FOR IT! If you want you can switch out to a cheaper dark meat of chicken, or use less chicken- add more black beans for the protein!  ! If you are crock potting please make sure you either put in chopped raw chicken or take the whole breasts out and chop them at the end. Also milk will go in the last 20 minutes of crock pot time

1tbs butter and oil

3 chicken breasts

1 medium onion,chopped

2-3 cloves of garlic, minced

1 can of enchilada sauce, mild –you can use hot if your family likes spice…

1 can of cream of mushroom soup, or chicken soup- or leave out and add more milk at end

2 cans of black beans

2-3 handfuls of frozen corn

1 cup or so of milk

Salt and pepper and cumin  to taste

Garnishes:

I really love shredded pepper jack cheese, cilantro  and sliced avocado and a side of chips…but you could do any cheese and sour cream too if you like!

Crock pot instructions: there is notes that say you can put in EVERYTHING  and cook it even raw chicken….and cook it for 8 hrs on low. That raw chicken thing grosses me out, plus you lose the carmelizing effect that the onions have when you sauté them, so I sauté onions, garlic and chicken then cook it in a crock pot. Honestly, only did this one time as I am too anxious to eat this soup- I just throw it together in a pot on the stove….right before dinner.

Now here’s the Directions-how I do it! :

In a medium pot: Saute the chopped onions and garlic in oil/ butter on medium heat until the onions are translucent and starting to brown (carmelize) a bit. Add chopped raw chicken, salt and pepper and cumin to taste- cumin really adds to this I would say, 2 tsp?  saute until cooked through. Then literally dump everything else in except the milk!!(if you want to get fancy you can whisk the enchilada sauce with the cream of mushroom before dumping  so it doesn’t start off gloppy) Bring to a boil, then reduce to simmer, cooking at least 30 minutes …then last 10 minutes- add milk. Serve with your garnishes of choice. There will be no leftovers. Be prepared to wish there were!

Adapting is Choosing Well

OK, so, a friend of mine recently said that I would adapt to my cast as well as I adapt to everything else. And its true, 24 hours in, I was  hardly limping, and though it still hurts and is itchy as all get out!

Adapting is really what disabled people do none stop. You assess a situation and before you even realize it your brain is already figuring out a different way to do things. I have always said its kind of like having an advantage over the rest of the human race....
I KNOW...I know. You would never give up half your body for my advantage, but I am quick to adapt. I don't love change, but I roll with it. WHEN IT COMES TO MY PHYSICAL DISABILITY I have never really felt I had a choice, really. We do have choices...but my "other" choice was so DISTASTEFUL-  THE ADAPT CHOICE- NO MATTER HOW DIFFICULT  seemed only logical.
Could you imagine for instance waking up every day and saying to yourself, " Nope not gonna get up and use the bathroom-I am going to just release everything right here and get another 5 minutes of sleep." That is a choice. But those consequences are not pleasant. Or desirable. And we don't want to deal with them. So we get up, use the appropriate facilities and go from there.

And that said, lets pretend for a moment we ALL HAVE DISABILITIES.  Cuz actually, really, we all do. We ALL COME HERE  without a perfect body or mind. We have weaknesses that we have to overcome. Some of us are impulsive.Some weakness don't have DISTATEFUL  results. Some of us like to eat too many mini Cadbury Eggs . I ( I mean we) could choose to NOT eat the whole entire bag in 24 hours. Or we could make a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CHOICE-  resist the impulse to buy the bag in the first place. Wait a minute here, where did all my treats go? I would suppose I would have to make ANOTHER CHOICE. But because the end result isn't distasteful, I don't wanna. Which is why, sadly, and admittedly, I have eaten a bag of those chocolate pieces of crack since yesterday. Admitting I have a problem doesn't seem to be enough. I guess I need to out myself to online strangers as well. Still, in my mind I remember the little crunchy shells and melty chocolate and the smell-its like perfume-and it brings me great pleasure. And I bought them yesterday, after realizing that there was really no other option to cover my cast  in the rain and against nasty ground germs besides....trash bags. A part of me, the stylish cutesy part, got really sad. And then I saw the happy purple bag with little pastel flowers and I grabbed a bag, and said to my sweet husband -"lets GO!" And as I carried that bag to the car, I was still sad about my trash bags, But when I opened the treats....I could forget for a moment. And just enjoy. But I cannot stop. And now they are gone. This is bad for many reasons. The consequences are so many: I don't eat healthy when I overeat junk. I Cannot appreciate fruit for a while, because I have burned my taste buds. The fat is not good for my body or heart. And the overindulgence is not good for my soul-
So WHAT IF....we slowly took each of our weaknesses..."disabilities" and TREAT THEM LIKE DISABILITIES.  Find a different path. AND JUST TAKE IT. "CAST" OUR WEAKNESS.  Change the way our weakness is "shaping us". RESHAPE OUR THOUGHTS.  A dear friend who explained brain mapping to me helped me to think this through.
My cast hurts. I want to take it off. I cannot sleep for a long time before the weight of it hurts. I cannot shower, and must rely on my husband for many daily things, that I wish I could do myself. Besides being painful, I am exhausted. But......I can feel the change my foot is making. The pain reminds me I am realigning my body. My friend said she is seeing the physical difference. Change is never easy. Adapting is never easy. But it is necessary to become better. In my real case, I can stop falling and risking major injury.  WHAT FASCINATES  me is the amount of change I see needed in ALL AREAS OF MY LIFE. THIS PHYSICAL CAST  has allowed my Spiritual side to say hey- WE COULD USE SOME CHANGE! I feel immensely grateful for this cast. It is a catalyst for a better RUTHIE.  Many have asked: did this happen because you chose to run? The simple answer is: YES.  Without the intense trauma to my knee and hip, I may have gone along my merry way until, as a much older adult I would have been a deformed woman, whose falling may have risked her life. My running has CAUSED  this cast- and in so- again- freed me.
WHAT DISABILITY WILL YOU ADAPT YOUR LIFE FOR THIS WEEK?

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THE CASTING HAS BEGUN

HERE WE GO DEARIES: Its heavy, wierd and my tootsies are cold- and no the big ugly shoe did not fit. I have a fuzzy sock over it right now, cuz I don't like bare feet, and I don't like cold feet! Hehehe- now I need to see if pants will fit over it and get some more fuzzy socks!

A CAST?

Today I went to my orthotics and prosthetics appointment to be fitted for my cool hinged brace- or "Assisted Device" or AD....I was not looking forward to it . But I have been limited since June by falling, and ya, I don't want to fall anymore. My nuerologist has recommended this great PT who told me, hey I think you need to correct your walk, lets get you an AD..and so here we are !
Except...well, I don't get my brace yet! I first have to go through a series of "soft casts" to correct my deforming right foot and ankle muscles. I can no longer bend my right ankle the way everyone else does, and my foot is shifting outwards, putting great stress on my right knee and right hip. Additionally(though no one really cares about this- its tiring out my left leg and I am always feeling like I get a workout in!)
A soft cast will slowly stretch the muscles to hopefully where they belong. I am supposed to walk on it- and I can actually take it off- the day before my new one comes on. They will come in 2 colors- purple and blue- and for those who follow facebook page- the vote is in- its purple. But UG- IT CANT GET WET. Showers are gonna be-interesting. I don't like washing my hair in the sink. Afraid thats gonna have to be the way now.
A lot has been going through my mind since Friday and I have been keeping it to myself, because we are struggling with a family member who has just been told he needs surgery for cancer- and well- that trumps soft cast every day.(update: surgery a success- simple basal cell skin cancer! Corrected and done)
Truth be told, I haven't been able  to finish this post..it is now the night before and I have procrastinated doing all the things I said I would: write about whats going on in my head, buy the big shoe for the cast and of course- paint my toes! They are gonna have to be pretty for all of my pictures!
First and foremost, and heavy on my mind is my "adjustment period" How will I be able to do: walking, showering, cleaning, climbing stairs, sigh, I know its just a soft cast, but a disabled person is always assessing the "how" in the way things are supposed to be done...and then adapt accordingly. I also have been dealing with the worry, that it won't really correct, and they may suggest another alternative...surgery. So my prayers are to correction....and to that end, I am so glad and grateful to be at that point in this journey, that had me sort of  running a 5 k last May(deformed mind you!), to almost complete foot drag/limp when I mop a stupid floor. My PT says that has to go under my husband's "honey do list" for a while. We had a good laugh about that. He told me to tell Hubby its in the "fine print". Funny guy.  And yes, kids, I mopped today. Control freak that I am. I hate that so much is being TAKEN  from me. And no, don't love that chore. But man, I love having control over the little things!
On a total girl note-and trust me, I know how shallow this sounds- I HATE ORTHOPEDIC SHOES.  Come on people....just because a person has to wear these shoes does NOT  mean they can't be CUTE  for heaven's sake!!!! Black, white and tan leather-  DYE DOES NOT CHANGE FUNCTIONALITY ! Spice it up a bit and add a funky shoe lace- for the love of ! And I am specifically talking about shoes that a brace fits in guys....I know there are brands out there that cater to foot issues:I was wearing a pair the orthapedist said would no longer work once I got my brace! ....but I have to have laceup shoes that my brace will fit it for the rest of my life. And don't get me started on the gross sandals.  
I am tired a lot lately. Tired and frustrated, and emotional. It sucks to have stuff that you have to work on, and  it sucks worse when its not just PHYSICAL STUFF. When it rains, it pours, and I am being rained on so I had best listen to the One Above-and do what I am told.
To finish off, I have taken to heart what my Bishop suggested over the pulpit and start a scripture journal while I read the scriptures. Been grateful for that advise as I spent THREE DAYS  researching discerning truth from starting in the Book of Mormon Alma Chapter 30. Wow...what a joy.... next up-Chapter 31: theme:Power of Prayer...does anyone see the significance that this is what I am gleaning? Additionally- Chapter 32 is tomorrow- yes folks- the theme: its on FAITH....HM. Think my Heavenly Father is trying to tell me something. You see, through it all, I know that Heavenly Father loves me. He has taken care of my needs and brought me to this place. I have shed my tears- and by golly will prolly always hate ugly shoes, but at the end, I am so blessed to have this gift of life. Here's my  pottery parable for you...because when I hear the word cast- I think pottery...thanks to my Sister in law Margaret- for inspiring me!
 If we wish to be cast in an image  like our older brother- Jesus Christ-He  who had felt every  fire of trial and pain , and then become like him, who are we to say- no, we cannot take the fire? If then, we do not go to the fire and  accept our trials, we simply stay as clay- unfinished , untried, and sometimes unbroken-still we have been formed by Master Potter.  But we can become beautiful in that fire- with glorious mixtures of color that would have only been seen by being fired with different agents of trial. We become like others who have gone through that same experience- and we are like them. We can empathize, and understand in a way others would not.  And sometimes, dears, like my sister in laws statue, we are tried too a long time in that kiln of life-perhaps by sin and we become cracked, not what we expected, sometimes with a different look or color than expected. Still, if we can come out of it, and love ourselves for what we have become, instead of wishing for that prettier color- or "perfect uncracked cast" we truly see ourselves like our Heavenly Father does, and He gave us his Son who came down to atone for not only our sins but our pain. If we accept that only through Him we can become beautiful: In that moment- he can heal the crack, and make it stronger than it was before. We become perfect in our simple deformed state , and the Master Potter loves all His pieces, and the broken ones He loves because those he held in His hands and He fixed them. Feel free to comment . I hope you have a glorious Friday- looking forward to posting  on my Purple cast!

NO MORE EXCUSES!

I keep "planning " on writing. I have made many resolutions in the past, but this year, it is get organized, stay organized, and NO MORE EXCUSES!
 I have in the last few months, weathered some personal storms and come out fighting. I need to start writing more, but January was dedicated to home organization...not quite there yet, but thanks to Pinterest, I am well on my way. It is so true...there are really no new ideas! So many talented women out there!!!I feel blessed to be in this day and age of technology.

This month I have started ordering from Farm Fresh to You, a local Organic Farm that delivers fresh fruits and veggies to your door!  In season!  I got my first order today and Eva has already eaten 2 CARROTS! And its not even 11 yet!
I am encouraging  myself and my family to eat these fresh fruits and veggies, instead of other things. Even thinking about a juicer....anyone ever juice? What are your thoughts?
How do you make veggies taste good in a juice?
Today is shop day, and I am procrastinating. I guess I better get to it!
Its good to be in a New Year...heres to 2012

Long Time Coming-so its a long one!

So its been four and a half months since my last post...and its a wonder to me. I will be so very simply honest. My handicap and medical issues have forced my  family to live with only one salary. That happening caused us to lose our house. We are now renting a beautiful home, which I love very much, but there was a lot of grieving to be done with that loss. I can barely even speak of it now. There has never been a time in my life where my name was written on a piece of paper that this land was mine to cultivate...and cultivate we did....now I will enrich other land...but it won't be mine. I will have my time again. Just need to be patient.
My gift for my injuries has been to be home with my daughter. I have been truly aware of what the time I took away at my job did to both me and her. To stay at home was never a option, we could just never afford it, but when you physically cannot work, and you are being told over and over again, that your work is physically destroying the only hand you have, its time to reconsider your options.And my husband, renewed in the faith of his youth, has felt impressed that if I do not work, I will be able to keep the use of my hand  for longer than the doctors believe. So I am at home. I have a leave of absence from my job, and I am going to try and disability retire. There are no lies about my love for my coworkers or my job, but I need a life that gives me my physical health back...and that is one of a stay at home mom. It comes with great financial challenges. And we have to tighten our belts....but with my faith in my God firmly in grasp, I believe He is watching over our little family, and we will be just fine!
To be sure, I did not feel this way until about October, much of why I did not post on my blog to general public. I was a faithless, stubborn, petulant woman. And no one likes to have much of their ugly side  viewed really.
Phhysically, the run down is this... my left hand is ok when I don't do typing of fine motor skills for 6 hrs straight. Still have bad grasp- about 8 pounds maximum, still breaking glasses.(Note to self ask for cute plastic for my birthday hehe). My right leg still gives out. The MRI did not show injury.  I ventured in to some exercise,  and the results were ...I started losing control of my leg. I have recorded when this happens and its when I am in a hurry, or going to fast. So I am thinking perhaps my brains synapses aren't firing to the right side as quickly as they used to? Could I have had a mini stroke and not known?  The right side is only giving out sometimes... But I just truly injured myself pretty badly last Thursday when I fell down my new level stair to my kitchen and took the fall with my right knee and forehead to the fridge...and yes, there were more dishes to clean up...seriously! I have an appointment with my neurologist, in early December. It will be good to hear what she thinks!!
PATIENCE AND FAITH  seem to be the echoing themes of 2011 for me. Though I have never been particularly good with the first, the second truly was always a gift til this year.....when I have been tested time and again.
And with all the stress and change of losing money, a career, a house,and my running- a new life has begun for my husband and me.
 He, as I said before , has renewed his faith in the religion of his youth, the Church that I was baptized into 23 (eek almost 24 yrs ago). We belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, or Mormons, as many commonly know us. Before he began to study the scriptures, my husband was very difficult to reach spiritually.  He believed there might  be a God. That was about it. He would make fun openly of the Church and spiritual things. But he respected me enough to let me have my faith. He would say religion is for women and old men.....He does not remember saying this. I will tell you that I NEVER  thought I would see him active in the Church in my lifetime. I guess you could say I had given up hope. I am writing this, because, if there is someone out there who  knows someone less active, PLEASE  never give up hope. Pray for them, love them anyways, and continue to live your faith.  MY HUSBAND IS A MIRACLE.  He is a changed man. He cannot tell you what it was that made him want to read the book of Mormon, but he can tell you that by the end of the first Book , the Spirit had taken hold of his heart and he has never been able to feel such peace, love and care from our Heavenly Father as He does when he reads that Book. His testimony that this Church is true grows day in and day out.  He is inspired and feels a great desire to do good...he has made changes so sweeping that it takes my breath away. And honestly, I am humbled , truly humbled by his desire to thoroughly search the Scriptures. He read Revelations in a DAY! We were on course as a couple to go to the Temple  and be sealed together and as a family. It meant, though we were married for this life, in the Temple we sealed by proper priesthood authority, to each other for eternity, and also our daughter can be sealed to us for eternity.Its called "celestial marriage" because we hope, if we live a good life, we can be together in heaven again... I love that term...seal-it means to me a bond that cannot be broken. And its my joy to say we were sealed on October 22, 2011 of this year.  We have a new life now, and not without challenges, but its a good life. We have much to be grateful for. And now I feel I have caught ya'll up! ;)