LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED

So I have missed blogging my life. I thought I would be a better blogger, and then get back to my journalling that was a huge part of my life for decades. But life got in the way. Here are my excuses and  WHY IM BLOGGING AGAIN:
First, we decided to move-again. This time we want to be on the fast track to pay off our debt, save huge amounts of money  and get back to being the homeowners we once were. However, renting is well, a touchy thing...its quite expensive to rent. We weren't seeing a way that we could accomplish saving for a home. We have been blessed to be invited into my hubby's sister's home so that we can do that. Truly, this woman is a saint, and I love her to death- even without us moving in to her home! I am so glad that she is as generous and kind as she is!
That does mean, though, that I gotta pack up EVERYTHING IN THE NEXT MONTH.
Second, my brace has kept me from falling. But my hip is not strong, and exercising and wearing the brace all day is harder than I thought. I am tired and have gotten blisters where the foot and leg are touching the brace. It has been discouraging. My body is not cooperating with me. I feel frustrated.  My elbow still hurts, and BenGay is my friend.
I have not been exercising. Confession. But I am back on track...kind of.
Third, I had to find my little girl  a preschool in the new area we were moving, this meant driving down and looking. I was Praying and worrying that I was making the right choice. I never felt good about them...until I went with my gut about a recommendation of a high school friend's.  I finally decided on that one. It started August 1st, we have been commuting a half hour most of August, 3 times a week....I say most because little E got sick and we were all down for the count for almost a week. We still have residuals of the colds. Or maybe its a new one. Who knows. The Kleenex company should give us coupons for how many boxes we have gone through! Blast them!
Fourth, and most importantly.... I have been given a unique opportunity to really ponder what and how and why I believe spiritually the way I do. To protect the innocent and even not so innocent, I will not use names or share situations, however,this is why I haven't blogged and why I need to now. Its also important to me to share here some of why I believe what I do. It helps me.
 So many who know me and read this know that my childhood was less than beautiful. I was raised by a drug using and selling, wife abusing, pedophiliac for a father, and a mother who did her best given her circumstances. We moved 30 times before I was 12( I don't like to move-and I like to make roots now because of this). We did not have religion in our home. But I always knew there was a God. ALWAYS. Not because I was ever taught...I just knew.
The people who knew me before I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, or Mormons, say I haven't changed much. They say I am still kind and spiritual and yes, bossy, and they love me. They are the ones who rescued me from the hell that I knew as my home. They are the ones who gave me normalcy. You KNOW WHO YOU ARE.  To me, and for me, always, the same is true for The LDS faith. It rescued me. It brought me EVERYTHING: peace, understanding of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and it brought me FORGIVENESS. Because of the LDS faith, I  was able to heal from a past that had broken my spirit..on so many levels. I am the woman I am today BECAUSE OF MY FAITH. It is true to me. It is my path. It is my religion and I do love it. Perhaps because I came from the darkest place a person can come, I understand the need and the search for peace. I understand the need to find your place in this world, your sense of peace and understanding of what God wants for you. And I understand that my faith....is NOT FOR EVERYONE.
I believe there are MANY good and righteous paths for people to take in this world. I hope your path makes you as happy as mine makes me. I believe that God truly loves ALL OF HIS CHILDREN.  He wants to see us again. I think He wants and expects us to love each other, to allow for differences of opinion, remain respectful and reserve judgement for the Almighty, for only He know our hearts. I am far from perfect. I do not claim to know all things. I hope that if your understanding of my religion, my faith- is unfavorable, you respect me for my choice. Name calling and judgement are for the football field-not for someone's faith. I would leave a witness of what I think God wants from everyone- Or at least wants from me!It manifested itself  about 2 weeks ago by reading many scriptures and praying and fasting...it is simple...just LOVE EACH OTHER...I have truly been trying this method out...even halting my mind when I think unkind things about others, or myself. It has transformed me. I have a ways to go, but life is easier when you stop and just Love yourself and others...the Beatles had it right: ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE.

Spinach salad

Heres my salad go to for almost every night- you can adapt to your own specifications 

First cook your chicken!

I marinated my chicken breast in a little olive oil ,a couple shakes of  basil, garlic powder ( next time I will use real garlic and more lemon)salt , pepper and a lemon and lime juice overnight( You want your chicken juicy and flavorful but not overpowering....I baked it 350 about 45 minutes  and it seemed dry at first, but I threw the breasts in a ziplock and into the fridge for the week....Eva loves to eat "white chicken and I love it on my salads!

On a large plate place:

1.5 cups 50/50 salad(or whatever salad mix you like)

1.5 cups of fresh spinach

1/4 fuji apple sliced, very thin

about a handful of baby carrots ( if they are big for baby carrots you may have to slice them diagonal like I did.)

then take pieces of chicken out- about a 1/2 cup and place that on top ( add more if you like!)

top with a sprinkling of craisins and almonds

(when I have it I love to use slivers of kerrygold white aged cheddar- its Irish- and expensive but eva and I adore this cheese and a little goes a long, long way..) You can get it here in Sacramento at Raleys/BelAir or Sprouts (sprouts is about a $1 cheaper) I  cannot say enough about this cheese...just a little is so flavorful and good and sometimes Eva and I eat it sliced with apple slices for lunch! I also love it on top of my scrambled eggs....

Needless to say. We were out of the cheese. So I left it off, making it even more healthy....

Now the honey mustard dressing. I make enough for a week at a time.     This is the not good for you part! 

Equal Parts honey and regular yellow mustard (abt 1/4 cup)

double mayo so abt 1/2 cup

then the juice of 1 lemon

WHISK UNTIL COMBINED, DRIZZLE ONTO YOUR SALAD IN INCREMENTS OF TABLESPOONS 

THIS IS SO GOOD ON THE CHICKEN

You may have to adjust as the lemon could be too strong or it could be too sweet or too mustardy, but on the whole its pretty easy 

Memories of Mom

Hey Mom! This is a picture of you holding your first granddaughter, Tamara. You were never happier than when you were surrounded by babies, your children, a few kitties and the outdoors....You loved and cherished your privacy, and kept guarded secrets your entire life, but could chew the fat with complete strangers, telling them your life story at that moment. Your creative artistic heart molded you into the beautiful eccentric woman that touched so many. You were warm, kind to a fault, and taught me many, many things. 

You didn't trust the establishment, which included doctors, and this was your last worst mistake. You passed away six years today of cervical cancer. From the time you were diagnosed on February 10th til your passing, you fought like a warrior woman. Your doctors could not believe your fortitude. The Hospice nurses and caregivers even came away from their experience with amazement at your strength and sense of humor. You made us all laugh til the very end. You were called to the other side, and like you said in your last week, we don't get to pick when, He does. 

You left a huge hole on this side, one that has been difficult for those who love you. Oh, how we have missed you, how I have missed you....I have bared down and been strong, but this week has been rough. I have cried my fair share of sorry tears- I have felt sad I can't complain to you! Haha...you never liked that anyway!

Remember when I would come home as a child after being teased for my little cerebral palsy, and you would hold me as I cried and cried and cried? That is such a clear memory, your love dispelled the hate and the meanness, and now my memory only holds the beauty of my mother holding me at the worst times- I know you continue to hold me today and I am so grateful for you as my mom.  I have remembered you in the best of ways, and will continue to strive to be as kind and generous as you were during your lifetime. Today I thank you for being there when you could, and keeping a watchful eye now when we need you. I know we will meet again, and when we do, dear mother, I will be glad to chew the fat with you and catch up on the years passed. And perhaps ask you,  mother dearest, why you had to tell Eva about the joy of no shoes before she came down to bless us! 

Brace time!

OK,  so all during the series casting, I was uncomfortable. Sometimes it was painful. And I kept living for the dream. The dream when I could get this brace, and all my worries and troubles would end. You know what's probably comin right? 

The trouble: Earlier this week I fell twice in the same day. It was when I was walking down a step, and AGAIN-IN A HURRY.  Sigh, will I ever learn? On the second fall my left foot caught the doorstep and my ankle/foot twisted backwards- I could feel it as I went down-in my head I knew it was going to break... and as I thought that I felt a push and landed on my right side of my butt. Oh the pain. I saw lights. I couldn't breathe for a few seconds. All in front of my husband and daughter. My husband said it looked like I broke my ankle. They were very worried. I couldn't speak or move for several minutes so excruciating was the pain. The whole reason for the rush was to capture our little kitten who escaped out the front door- she is not allowed outside and then she got spooked by a big scary dog- so I breathed out "GET JINXIE" He was like no-you are hurt- but I said please and he went chasing after our silly mischievous cat.  My little empathatic daughter stayed right by my side, quiet as a mouse, waiting. I didn't even realize she was there. Now for those of you who know my daughter-you also know she has her mama's gift for gab. Bless her heart, she must have been so scared. She just sat down by my head and waited. When I opened my eyes she was there, and I said oh, Eva,I'm ok, and she just put her hand on my hand and we waited for Frank to come back. It wasn't more than a  few minutes but it seemed extraordinarily long. And I was in so much pain, I didn't dare try to stand. Frankie helped me up and placed me on the couch. You can't really break a butt cheek, but you can create a big, giant knot ball of pain. As we talked about what happened, I realized, I have an angel by my side. Had I not been "pushed" I would have broken my ankle. My husband could not believe my left ankle was fine. Does everyone understand the magnitude of that? My good ankle being broken? I would have been wheelchair bound for the time it takes to heal. With one hand to push the wheelchair. SO I WAS SAVED. This week I have been sitting on my left side and I went off the exercise. My right side is all jiggly and uncooperative when I walk, and that could mean more falling....so exercise has to be limited. I am grateful for my unseen angel friend- but I ain't pushing my luck! 

FALLING IS TROUBLE-FALLING IS BAD. 

So my brace is gonna stop the falling. I love the idea of my brace. 

I got my brace yesterday afternoon, and  it isn't what I expected. It's  very uncomfortable. My orthotist was pleased as punch at the mention of my discomfort-good he said. Where?I showed him where and he explained that my discomfort was because the brace is literally forcing my foot to not pronate outwards...thus discomfort.NO PRONATION=NO FALLING. As my foot complies to the brace, and the muscles start to grow correctly, my discomfort will decrease. This week I am to wear it for a little while and take it off for a little while. Absolutely no exercising in it for now. I started thinking of horses and wondered if this is how you break a horse into saddle wearing.

I walk slower and its slightly painful. And the weight is unfamiliar so I 'm a little limpy. I wore it for an hour and a half and it exhausted my foot and leg. I am also feeling the tightness of my long underused or inappropriately used muscles stretching. 

As I was chatting with a friend I told her I have to start over again- and she reminded me but this is the LAST TIME I have to start over again. Nothing worthwhile is easy. 

From here on out its forward HO....

Day one-done. 

My mother's face

Today I went to see my Grandma and Granddad
Our relationship at its core is deeply complex. I get nervous going to see them. One of the reasons manifested itself today. During the visit, Grandma was playing with E and she made the EXACT  face my mother did when she would play with little children. I gasped and even said out loud this very fact. She continued to play with Eva and I looked on in wonder and also a jelly roll of uncomfortable pain in my stomach. My mom would have just gushed over E. It brings a tear to my eye just thinking on it.
I miss her so and to look at my grandma, so like my mom, I wanted to stay and keep looking. A here and now reminder of mom's expressions, and features.
Then Granddad was doing his usual- too much. Trying to plant flowers in the ground for spring- even when we ask to help him, he shoos away all of our requests. He has been extremely tired lately, and Grandma says he isn't doing well.  Still, he gave Eva a little potted flower and she lit up like a Christmas tree. My daughter loves plants as much as me or her Grandma Janet or her Great Grandparents.
He tired himself out after planting some of the flowers, and came in to sit a spell. He fell asleep in his chair and Eva and I went over to say goodbye- unintentionally waking him up. His mouth was EXACTLY  like mom's when I would wake her up. It was the second time during the visit that it took me by surprise. And it worried me. He looks too tired.  Too much like Mom did near the end. It made me scared.
They are in their 90's so its a older picture of my mom, but its still a glimpse. Like a shadow that passes.
This shadow is haunting and the grief and loss are still there, deeply buried in my heart. At certain times, the grief bubbles to the surface and her loss doesn't seem like a dream, but a fresh blood red cut-oozing and waiting for me to stop the bleeding. Tonight, I tried to bandage it the way I usually do- I ate crappy junk food. It used to do the trick. Since I have been eating healthier, it didn't work.The food tastes good for a sec, but then it made my stomach hurt and I wanted water. Water? Ya- on my THIRD GLASS TONIGHT!  And you know, the best part is that I was able to come and WRITE  about it. I have to just get through April with the right mindset. April is my "bad month" where I eat too much without thinking- trying to keep that wicked grief from bubbling up. And when it does to reach for a freakin carrot next time!  I may be a little maudlin and weepy for a while...you may not even hear from me til May but I AM TAKING APRIL BACK!
Here's a list of all the WONDERFUL THINGS ABOUT APRIL-
*I LOVE GENERAL CONFERENCE- AND I get to watch it in my pjs on my TV!
*Easter
* my sweet husband's birthday
* the month I usually start planning my summer garden, and planting early flowers and such
*IRONICALLY-  the month I conceived Eva- which I think of as mom's little hand in trying to make April a little better!
So, as in times past, writing and focusing on the positive...the pit in my stomach- better.

Randomly- tomorrow I get my brace! Its gonna be another adventure!

Broken Mirrors

For the last few days I been having a recurring dream. It involves me playing with Eva, and we are near a mirror. This is not unusual, however, during our play, the mirror shatters into many pieces, and sometimes even lands in my skin. There is no terror only humor as we laugh it off, and clean up the mess. But what does it mean?
I am a big dreamer. Dreams have always helped me to overcome and make sense of my inner self. I feel it is a gift and have even had prayers TRULY ANSWERED IN MY DREAMS.
So I was totally confused about broken mirrors. The funny thing is I wasn't worried, and neither was Eva. It was like a good thing. But in one of the dreams the mirror scarred me.
So I did a google search on dream interpretation and found this from dreammoods.com:
"To break a mirror in your dream suggests that you are breaking an old image of yourself. You may be putting an end to an old habit. Breaking a mirror is also an old symbol for seven years of bad luck. To see a cracked or broken mirror in your dream. represents a poor or distorted self-image. Alternatively, it means that you have put an end to your old habits and ways."


WOW!  Am I ever happy to see that! Now you can believe in dream interpretation or not, I don't really mind if you think its all a crock...some of it is. But sometimes its our inner self..our spirit trying to tell us something. And if we listen to that inner self, we just might be blessed . 

There are many commitments and changes I have made to myself since January..my most important one- to have control over my bouts of anger. And it is exciting to me that in my dream, Eva seemed to be so happy. It is significant that this one act will completely change her childhood. There is nothing I can do to thank my Heavenly Father for helping me to realize what anger does to others. 

We are changing our diets around here too. I have quit caffeine...I have an occasional soda  when at a restaurant, but  more often than not, I choose water.. I have gotten my husband...who doesn't eat veggies, to try spinach in a green smoothie, spinach in an omelet, and just tonight...he took spinach off my plate and ate it! WOW! I  am so proud of him! 

I have been drinking fruit smoothies with protein every morning, and feel so alive! So joyful...so in control. There are alot of carbs, so I need to work on that, but, well..its a START!

Due to my disability, I have to modify my exercise, and be grateful for what I can do. It is HARD for me to admit this. I hate seeing the disability. I like to pretend that it is not there. But my body cannot put up with my pretending anymore. I MUST MODIFY.  I must slow down. I MUST.

It breaks my heart that April is coming and I won't be running. I was thinking about it tonight. Running was easy, put one foot in front of the other...exercise like Zumba is not easy.  I am not coordinated. I have a hard time making my limbs do things-much less  aerobically- I feel like a fish out of water, with my tongue stuck to the side of my mouth...but I AM GONNA KEEP TRYING. Exercise is good for my broken body...MODIFIED.

But someday friends,when I am with our Father in Heaven I am going to ask Him to let my feet fly...and I am going to go on one GLORIOUS RUN....I hope to have a few friends running with me..enjoying the path.

HERES TO BROKEN MIRRORS, BREAKING OLD HABITS AND STARTING FRESH...NO MATTER WHERE WE ARE IN THE JOURNEY! 

Biggest Loser.Facebook Style!

My poor blog..I am all over the place. But its my life and its real...what can I say?
OK! So I have gone through my fair share of concerns by posting the pictures. Its one thing to post privately...but on a BLOG? Kill me now of embarrassment. I have an internal beauty clock that NEVER MATCHES  my external...its time to change.
I  'm posting my before pictures...mind you the decision was so hard I ate In and Out today, complete with a chocolate shake and Dr Pepper...it took a lot of fat and sugar to muster up the courage! Tomorrow's a new day! Whether you are part of a challenge- or just hoping to challenge yourself...just remember...if a flabby girl with CP and a future brace can do it...so can you.

Pre cast weight

adds 5 pounds and back pain! 5 more days!

not sucking in...

side view...can I say..I love my hair right now! ;)