Memories of Mom

Hey Mom! This is a picture of you holding your first granddaughter, Tamara. You were never happier than when you were surrounded by babies, your children, a few kitties and the outdoors....You loved and cherished your privacy, and kept guarded secrets your entire life, but could chew the fat with complete strangers, telling them your life story at that moment. Your creative artistic heart molded you into the beautiful eccentric woman that touched so many. You were warm, kind to a fault, and taught me many, many things. 

You didn't trust the establishment, which included doctors, and this was your last worst mistake. You passed away six years today of cervical cancer. From the time you were diagnosed on February 10th til your passing, you fought like a warrior woman. Your doctors could not believe your fortitude. The Hospice nurses and caregivers even came away from their experience with amazement at your strength and sense of humor. You made us all laugh til the very end. You were called to the other side, and like you said in your last week, we don't get to pick when, He does. 

You left a huge hole on this side, one that has been difficult for those who love you. Oh, how we have missed you, how I have missed you....I have bared down and been strong, but this week has been rough. I have cried my fair share of sorry tears- I have felt sad I can't complain to you! Haha...you never liked that anyway!

Remember when I would come home as a child after being teased for my little cerebral palsy, and you would hold me as I cried and cried and cried? That is such a clear memory, your love dispelled the hate and the meanness, and now my memory only holds the beauty of my mother holding me at the worst times- I know you continue to hold me today and I am so grateful for you as my mom.  I have remembered you in the best of ways, and will continue to strive to be as kind and generous as you were during your lifetime. Today I thank you for being there when you could, and keeping a watchful eye now when we need you. I know we will meet again, and when we do, dear mother, I will be glad to chew the fat with you and catch up on the years passed. And perhaps ask you,  mother dearest, why you had to tell Eva about the joy of no shoes before she came down to bless us! 

Brace time!

OK,  so all during the series casting, I was uncomfortable. Sometimes it was painful. And I kept living for the dream. The dream when I could get this brace, and all my worries and troubles would end. You know what's probably comin right? 

The trouble: Earlier this week I fell twice in the same day. It was when I was walking down a step, and AGAIN-IN A HURRY.  Sigh, will I ever learn? On the second fall my left foot caught the doorstep and my ankle/foot twisted backwards- I could feel it as I went down-in my head I knew it was going to break... and as I thought that I felt a push and landed on my right side of my butt. Oh the pain. I saw lights. I couldn't breathe for a few seconds. All in front of my husband and daughter. My husband said it looked like I broke my ankle. They were very worried. I couldn't speak or move for several minutes so excruciating was the pain. The whole reason for the rush was to capture our little kitten who escaped out the front door- she is not allowed outside and then she got spooked by a big scary dog- so I breathed out "GET JINXIE" He was like no-you are hurt- but I said please and he went chasing after our silly mischievous cat.  My little empathatic daughter stayed right by my side, quiet as a mouse, waiting. I didn't even realize she was there. Now for those of you who know my daughter-you also know she has her mama's gift for gab. Bless her heart, she must have been so scared. She just sat down by my head and waited. When I opened my eyes she was there, and I said oh, Eva,I'm ok, and she just put her hand on my hand and we waited for Frank to come back. It wasn't more than a  few minutes but it seemed extraordinarily long. And I was in so much pain, I didn't dare try to stand. Frankie helped me up and placed me on the couch. You can't really break a butt cheek, but you can create a big, giant knot ball of pain. As we talked about what happened, I realized, I have an angel by my side. Had I not been "pushed" I would have broken my ankle. My husband could not believe my left ankle was fine. Does everyone understand the magnitude of that? My good ankle being broken? I would have been wheelchair bound for the time it takes to heal. With one hand to push the wheelchair. SO I WAS SAVED. This week I have been sitting on my left side and I went off the exercise. My right side is all jiggly and uncooperative when I walk, and that could mean more falling....so exercise has to be limited. I am grateful for my unseen angel friend- but I ain't pushing my luck! 

FALLING IS TROUBLE-FALLING IS BAD. 

So my brace is gonna stop the falling. I love the idea of my brace. 

I got my brace yesterday afternoon, and  it isn't what I expected. It's  very uncomfortable. My orthotist was pleased as punch at the mention of my discomfort-good he said. Where?I showed him where and he explained that my discomfort was because the brace is literally forcing my foot to not pronate outwards...thus discomfort.NO PRONATION=NO FALLING. As my foot complies to the brace, and the muscles start to grow correctly, my discomfort will decrease. This week I am to wear it for a little while and take it off for a little while. Absolutely no exercising in it for now. I started thinking of horses and wondered if this is how you break a horse into saddle wearing.

I walk slower and its slightly painful. And the weight is unfamiliar so I 'm a little limpy. I wore it for an hour and a half and it exhausted my foot and leg. I am also feeling the tightness of my long underused or inappropriately used muscles stretching. 

As I was chatting with a friend I told her I have to start over again- and she reminded me but this is the LAST TIME I have to start over again. Nothing worthwhile is easy. 

From here on out its forward HO....

Day one-done. 

My mother's face

Today I went to see my Grandma and Granddad
Our relationship at its core is deeply complex. I get nervous going to see them. One of the reasons manifested itself today. During the visit, Grandma was playing with E and she made the EXACT  face my mother did when she would play with little children. I gasped and even said out loud this very fact. She continued to play with Eva and I looked on in wonder and also a jelly roll of uncomfortable pain in my stomach. My mom would have just gushed over E. It brings a tear to my eye just thinking on it.
I miss her so and to look at my grandma, so like my mom, I wanted to stay and keep looking. A here and now reminder of mom's expressions, and features.
Then Granddad was doing his usual- too much. Trying to plant flowers in the ground for spring- even when we ask to help him, he shoos away all of our requests. He has been extremely tired lately, and Grandma says he isn't doing well.  Still, he gave Eva a little potted flower and she lit up like a Christmas tree. My daughter loves plants as much as me or her Grandma Janet or her Great Grandparents.
He tired himself out after planting some of the flowers, and came in to sit a spell. He fell asleep in his chair and Eva and I went over to say goodbye- unintentionally waking him up. His mouth was EXACTLY  like mom's when I would wake her up. It was the second time during the visit that it took me by surprise. And it worried me. He looks too tired.  Too much like Mom did near the end. It made me scared.
They are in their 90's so its a older picture of my mom, but its still a glimpse. Like a shadow that passes.
This shadow is haunting and the grief and loss are still there, deeply buried in my heart. At certain times, the grief bubbles to the surface and her loss doesn't seem like a dream, but a fresh blood red cut-oozing and waiting for me to stop the bleeding. Tonight, I tried to bandage it the way I usually do- I ate crappy junk food. It used to do the trick. Since I have been eating healthier, it didn't work.The food tastes good for a sec, but then it made my stomach hurt and I wanted water. Water? Ya- on my THIRD GLASS TONIGHT!  And you know, the best part is that I was able to come and WRITE  about it. I have to just get through April with the right mindset. April is my "bad month" where I eat too much without thinking- trying to keep that wicked grief from bubbling up. And when it does to reach for a freakin carrot next time!  I may be a little maudlin and weepy for a while...you may not even hear from me til May but I AM TAKING APRIL BACK!
Here's a list of all the WONDERFUL THINGS ABOUT APRIL-
*I LOVE GENERAL CONFERENCE- AND I get to watch it in my pjs on my TV!
*Easter
* my sweet husband's birthday
* the month I usually start planning my summer garden, and planting early flowers and such
*IRONICALLY-  the month I conceived Eva- which I think of as mom's little hand in trying to make April a little better!
So, as in times past, writing and focusing on the positive...the pit in my stomach- better.

Randomly- tomorrow I get my brace! Its gonna be another adventure!

Broken Mirrors

For the last few days I been having a recurring dream. It involves me playing with Eva, and we are near a mirror. This is not unusual, however, during our play, the mirror shatters into many pieces, and sometimes even lands in my skin. There is no terror only humor as we laugh it off, and clean up the mess. But what does it mean?
I am a big dreamer. Dreams have always helped me to overcome and make sense of my inner self. I feel it is a gift and have even had prayers TRULY ANSWERED IN MY DREAMS.
So I was totally confused about broken mirrors. The funny thing is I wasn't worried, and neither was Eva. It was like a good thing. But in one of the dreams the mirror scarred me.
So I did a google search on dream interpretation and found this from dreammoods.com:
"To break a mirror in your dream suggests that you are breaking an old image of yourself. You may be putting an end to an old habit. Breaking a mirror is also an old symbol for seven years of bad luck. To see a cracked or broken mirror in your dream. represents a poor or distorted self-image. Alternatively, it means that you have put an end to your old habits and ways."


WOW!  Am I ever happy to see that! Now you can believe in dream interpretation or not, I don't really mind if you think its all a crock...some of it is. But sometimes its our inner self..our spirit trying to tell us something. And if we listen to that inner self, we just might be blessed . 

There are many commitments and changes I have made to myself since January..my most important one- to have control over my bouts of anger. And it is exciting to me that in my dream, Eva seemed to be so happy. It is significant that this one act will completely change her childhood. There is nothing I can do to thank my Heavenly Father for helping me to realize what anger does to others. 

We are changing our diets around here too. I have quit caffeine...I have an occasional soda  when at a restaurant, but  more often than not, I choose water.. I have gotten my husband...who doesn't eat veggies, to try spinach in a green smoothie, spinach in an omelet, and just tonight...he took spinach off my plate and ate it! WOW! I  am so proud of him! 

I have been drinking fruit smoothies with protein every morning, and feel so alive! So joyful...so in control. There are alot of carbs, so I need to work on that, but, well..its a START!

Due to my disability, I have to modify my exercise, and be grateful for what I can do. It is HARD for me to admit this. I hate seeing the disability. I like to pretend that it is not there. But my body cannot put up with my pretending anymore. I MUST MODIFY.  I must slow down. I MUST.

It breaks my heart that April is coming and I won't be running. I was thinking about it tonight. Running was easy, put one foot in front of the other...exercise like Zumba is not easy.  I am not coordinated. I have a hard time making my limbs do things-much less  aerobically- I feel like a fish out of water, with my tongue stuck to the side of my mouth...but I AM GONNA KEEP TRYING. Exercise is good for my broken body...MODIFIED.

But someday friends,when I am with our Father in Heaven I am going to ask Him to let my feet fly...and I am going to go on one GLORIOUS RUN....I hope to have a few friends running with me..enjoying the path.

HERES TO BROKEN MIRRORS, BREAKING OLD HABITS AND STARTING FRESH...NO MATTER WHERE WE ARE IN THE JOURNEY! 

Biggest Loser.Facebook Style!

My poor blog..I am all over the place. But its my life and its real...what can I say?
OK! So I have gone through my fair share of concerns by posting the pictures. Its one thing to post privately...but on a BLOG? Kill me now of embarrassment. I have an internal beauty clock that NEVER MATCHES  my external...its time to change.
I  'm posting my before pictures...mind you the decision was so hard I ate In and Out today, complete with a chocolate shake and Dr Pepper...it took a lot of fat and sugar to muster up the courage! Tomorrow's a new day! Whether you are part of a challenge- or just hoping to challenge yourself...just remember...if a flabby girl with CP and a future brace can do it...so can you.

Pre cast weight

adds 5 pounds and back pain! 5 more days!

not sucking in...

side view...can I say..I love my hair right now! ;)

Spring..COMING BACK TO SQUARE ONE

Ah, March! How I adore you! I love the craziness in the air...one day you are 70 degrees and the next we are freezing with rain that has been prayed for. I love knowing officially this month we will "spring ahead" and Spring will officially start. The tender tulips and  happy daffodils are pushing their way through cold and unyielding soil to make their tiny mark and burst forth in glorious color. They are the trumpeters of warmer climes.
I am a woman who loves the heralding of seasons. I love how Mother Nature glories in each season. Each has  a special way, and there is an excitement every time for me as I get to witness God's creations on Earth.

This month I get to be done with the casts. Tomorrow is my last cast...hopefully. And then I will be fitted for a brace.
In the process, I have been forced by the casts to slow down. Walking exhausts me and causes great pain with the cast if done for too long.  This, in addition to the stress of everyday life, has had me reaching far too many times to my comfort foods. And this has led me back to square one...the weight I was LAST  year at this time when I started thinking I needed to make changes.
Its disheartening. Its frustrating. It makes me feel a tiny bit defeated. But like those little daffodils, I am a happy creature, and I choose to think positive and make changes where need be.
So, a few weeks ago I cut out Diet Dr Pepper. This is HUGE.  Its been 2 weeks. But I have replaced that little happy habit with my Cadbury Mini Eggs. I have gained many pounds  because of those little treats. And usually I overindulge in April, which is secondary to my coping with my mother's passing. This year, Easter is early, and my coping has taken on an extra month. It is a EXTREMELY  difficult thing to admit last week I ate an entire bag in a day. I have a problem. I have decided to stop eating Cadbury eggs and REDUCING  candy treats until Easter. To help me stay and feel motivated I joined a friend's Biggest Loser Challenge through Facebook. There is a weigh in and I have asked to weigh in tomorrow before my cast is put on so that I can be fair. I have to post a pic of my weigh in. And nothing says motivation like a picture of your weight for 75+ other women to see. I want my thinner, healthier self back.
This next week will be most difficult, because I once again, will be weighted down with a cast, but later, with my brace, I plan on walking again. I have other high hopes, that I will keep to myself just now...
To offset the inability to really work out, I have chosen to be brutally honest on this Blog for all to see, so as to make myself accountable and I have chosen to reduce refined sugar treats. They are my weakness. So I gotta get rid of em. I had my first green smoothie today and it was delicious!
Theme for this year has been: NO MORE EXCUSES.... time to ante up!
Look for my  picture post tomorrow...weigh in for me.

NEW CAST...BLUE CAST...

NUMBER #2 CAST!
I love the way that sounds Dr Seussish ...don't you?
So friends and family...I have to say I am not ALWAYS OBEDIENT. Stop gasping in mock horror...I know its a slight problem of mine to think I am right. My solution is the better solution. Man has that ever come and hit me in the face. Or rather, little pinkie toe.
Its still numb...
And my orthotist said today...in 38 years...this has never happened to him. Well, he never had ME as a patient...(I thought proudly, and smugly that I had stumped him- haha stumped..get it.. prosthetics is his gig...hehehe) So he decided to cast me exposing the little toe more and made me promise to take it off at any point of pain. Because the nerve would feel pain...due to the fact that that area was not numb, just my little toe.

Then Eva wanted blue and we got to casting. Asked him sweetly about my future brace and types of shoes and he said lace up exercise shoes will be fine... and I said what about other kinds? He said he would not even attempt to wonder, because he isn't sure what kind of brace I am gonna have at this point.
Because I'm a stubborn I can do this by myself kind of girl, I did not call for back up to watch Eva or drive me like the OTHER TWO APPOINTMENTS. Really thought he wasn't gonna cast me, and truly felt like it would waste someone's time.
 So after casting he said go ahead and wait, we will wheel you out to your car...and you can go straight home and put on  you shoe.
HAHA ...I said, "we couldn't find any shoes".
"Impossible!" he said..."just get a 11 or 12 in woman'e lace up..like Converse...and open up the laces until it fits...I told you that week one...what have you been doing for walking?" The light bulb turned on in his head..."you have been walking with your toes exposed? BUT THIS ISN'T THAT KIND OF A CAST! YOU HAVE TO HAVE A SHOE! You cannot walk without a shoe...its probably how you got hurt....you may NOT  walk without a shoe."
In my defense, I EXPLAINED...I tried slippers, but I didn't want to buy
 some big, ol clown shoe...that would be so much more difficult to walk in, and, AHEM, SLOW ME DOWN.  He looked at me and said ....."THATS KINDA THE POINT. What is so wrong with slowing down? You HAVE TO SLOW DOWN."

Now this said,I called a lot of people last miunute to assist me to getting"shoe compliant" cuz I can't just sit on my duff all week- I have things to DO. But no one was available.  The cast is heavy and does slow me down and I chose to drag Eva SLOWLY  through the mall to Payless Shoes and I promised she could get an ice cream if she helped me...she did great...so proud of my little woogie! I went to Payless and got me a big ol clown shoe and matchers in the right size to attempt to help balance and gait.
 Eva said after getting the cone..."momma you know I know what you are thinking..."
"What baby?"
" You want to go sit and eat ice cream down by the fountain..."(I did not...but she was so sweet...we hobbled our way down there!)Pictures will post to facebook, and I will add here later.
Moral of the story kids....a clown shoe today is worth no numb toes tomorrow...