Hello, my name is Ruth and I love an ExMormon

Hello. My name is Ruth and I love an ExMormon.
This will be a repeat affair for many of you. Bear with my story, if you stick with me you will see there is a purpose to it.
First, let me say I talked to my husband, the ExMormon in question, and he has agreed to let me share our story...so here goes!
I was as Molly Mormon as you can get, teaching Gospel Doctrine, attending temple once a week, loving my Mormon life. We met eleven years ago at a Church dance. I saw him immediately, wearing all black and looking FINE. I was so sure of myself during that time I waited for him to ask me to dance and when he didn't I went straight to him, and asked him. I was so sad he was inactive- I had a rule no inactive dating. I didn't go out with him right away. A disappointing date with a widower who spoke of his ex-wife the whole time led me to want to call someone ...fun. We went on our first date and became pretty inseparable. I was struggling at the time with the way people acted in the church, especially with older single sisters...I was a horrible 31...and here was this inactive guy who was just so sweet. We fell madly in love and got married a little over a year after we met.
 I had become inactive during out courtship but a spiritual experience led me back to the Church about a year after we were married. I asked my husband if it was ok. He assured me it was. He said and joked, I always knew I would marry a Mormon girl. He supported my choices, but never came. We settled into life.  Five years ago we had a beautiful baby girl, and he did not feel comfortable coming back to church to decide for himself if it was true. We had her blessed by his father. He was supportive of that as well.
 I would invite the missionaries to dinner, which he liked, but it was always a bit uncomfortable. Until one fateful day about two years ago, he asked them a question about how he would discover the truth himself. He was given a scripture, and from that day forward, became immersed in the Book of Mormon. He read it extremely fast. He started meeting with missionaries and then started coming to Church.  He was changing. He seemed happier. His understanding of the scriptures astounded many..he had a way of explaining it that made you feel like you were there. His spiritual side was amazing . That whole time I was scared. Scared he would stop. I resisted the change because I was afraid he would turn one day and say its all a lie. I didn't want that. He decided he wanted more. He wanted the Priesthood, he wanted to do what he could to go to the temple with me. Everything moved extremely fast, and while I was so very happy for him, I could not help but worry. That worry dissolved when we were sealed to our daughter October 2011. Someone referred to me as getting "the golden ticket". I felt unsure as to why I was so blessed to have this wondrous change in my family, but I embraced it. In my head  started planning future temple trips around the country, going on Church History vacations....I was so excited.
Then, a week after our anniversary June 2012, as quickly as he came back to the Church, he told me my worst fear, that he thought Joseph Smith and everything related to the Church was a lie. He had been studying on many Ex-Mormon websites and he felt the historical facts he discovered far outweighed any spiritual feelings he had. I was devastated. My whole world did indeed collapse and shatter. That same week his entire mouth filled with canker sores- his feelings of betrayal manifested so deeply I believe, his body rebelled.We have both felt anger, betrayal and distrust that wasn't and hasn't been easy for either of us.  That was the beginning of a year that has tested our strength and resolve. We love each other, but at times, it felt like love wasn't enough. We currently still feel that love is enough, but am saddened but what "support" I have found online for those of us who love our Ex-Mormon spouses.  The bulk of it seems unfair and biased, and I want a safe haven for those of us who want to navigate our lives with people who simply do not believe the same way we do. So I am taking the bull by the horns and I am creating a Facebook Group....I love an ExMormon. I am hoping it provides a support where we who are as the Exes call us TBMS(true blue mormons), can talk, support and find some answers to questions about everyday life. How to discuss with out arguing, how to deal with differences in raising our children, how to just deal. And I am blogging to open it up to those who may not know me. The Group is for anyone who loves an ExMormon. I hope you can feel that I want this place to be a place of peace, love and answers, no contention, judgement and hate are going to be accepted.

2 years-What a journey!

Ah yes, I was recently reminded that 2 years have gone by since I decided to run a 5k....and change my life.
I became friends with a exercise powerhouse of a woman, who ran alongside me and prodded me. I will NEVER FORGET  how I thought I would truly DIE  that first mile. Or the ensuing WEEK  of wheezing due to inactivity and exercise induced asthma.As I think back on it..it makes me smile!
 Or the weeks of just making it...and watching her shoes ahead of me. Or the hills. And then. I fell in love with running...the freedom of it. The power felt. I was so happy to find my niche...you all know the story. I ran a 5 k. Then...my cerebral palsy kicked in and reminded me, that I have limits...this caused a huge and I mean HUGE DOMINO EFFECT..
I had to stop running. I had to be casted and then braced. I had to rethink everything physical. I gave up exercising. I wont lie..I was a teeny tiny bit bitter. I gained the weight  back too.
Meanwhile, I got carpal tunnel in my good hand and elbow, had to go on leave for work, and we lost our house. We have moved 3 times since that fateful decision.
But, even as I was learning to love running, my husband was learning to love scriptures and the Gospel, He became enraptured of the scriptures ..learning and growing into a spiritual powerhouse that amazed everyone around him. It was a bright place for me, even though my physical body was giving me problems, I seemed to be gaining so much in my marriage and family that it seemed like the phrase" When God closes a door he opens a window"...AND  what a window he opened! I feel so grateful to all the people who inspired and befriended us during this time. It was amazing.
 Just as I had started  to relearn how to deal with my brace, he decided that the Church we attended was no longer for him. It was a blow to my spirit and heart that I still cannot fully express. He didn't trust in the very things that had previously made him happy. How was he ever going to even trust in me again?
Why...why was Heavenly Father taking me to these places of greatest joy, and peace and happiness..only for the adversary to rip them away?
Oh, how sorry I felt for myself. was so very alone. It was a dark and horrible place. And yet, with prayer and scripture study, I came to understand (AGAIN) what my purpose in life was here. Even as my husband fell out of love for his previous faith, I became more aware of the strength of mine...and even...realized(AGAIN)..I am not a victim. I am a survivor. I am capable of much, much more! And I was determined that my family, my marriage would not fall victim to the trials we were facing.
And so here we are, in a home we love (made hubby promise no more moving til we BUY). The dust has settled on the explosion of all our trials...we have found common ground and I am just as in love with my husband as I was when we were first married.
I am back to exercising (modified of course) and healthy eating. I am going to make it this time. I cannot say that I am trial free...I am getting arthritis in my good hand. This makes things difficult...but I am a warrior. I am in control of my body, my life. Really learned that we are the sum of our choices. Our future depends on today. We can choose happiness.YES EVEN WHEN HORRIBLE THINGS ARE HAPPENING. We can choose to believe in ourselves..and OTHERS. Even as bad and terrible things happen to us, we CAN still continue to make the right choice. What have YOU OVERCOME?  Are you in the wallowing stage? are you ready to come out on the other side...fighting and being the one who is in CHARGE.  Because you are ...thats the truth.

Moving Day

Well here I am: just hours away from moving again, as I was  about to unplug my computer and internet and I just felt like blogging a little.
It has been a crazy week. I started off feeling sick, then got better..really better ...then Wednesday...got hit with a sinus infection. Its the kind that kills your brain when you lay down flat, so sleep has eluded me.
I am feeling much better, but would much rather curl up in front of a fire with a good book and some hot cocoa than move my household goods in the rain...BUT THEN...who wouldn't choose that!
Coming to the decision to move again was one thought out, prayed upon, logically reasoned and ultimately, I have this theory, if its right, God will help you along your path.
So much has pointed to the very truth that He is helping us!
We are lucky this time 90% of our stuff is in a storage unit. I have most of my stuff at my sister in laws already over at the new house...except for all the physical labor of actually carting boxes etc back and forth, this should be a cinch...
So as a whole, I am really excited to move in. I am excited to have a fireplace again after 6 years! I am excited to have little dinner parties, and I am excited to CRAFT AGAIN! And EVA IS HAPPY! She is loving her new room, and gets upset that she has to leave...this is a really good thing, as she was nervous at first to move again. And Frank is happy...he needs his personal space, and he is enjoying the house already!
Yay for us...now off I go to unplug everything !
See ya'll later!

HAPPY NEW YEAR~!

Recently, Eva and I watched the latest in the Tinkerbell sagas.The Secret of the Wings...it is all about snow fairies. My daughter and I both LOVE the snow. It instantly appealed to us. We were out in the snow yesterday, and in her young eyes, she is sure one day we can CATCH  one of those fairies! Ah, yes, this is a glorious time! My sweet girl is growing up, and I have loved how fantastic the journey is! 

I have so much energy in the winter, and I absolutely love the  New Year's week preceding my Birthday. It always feels so filled with promise. Good bye old crusty year, with your dirty broken promises and failed dreams....hello New year, let me dust off those resolutions...see how they sparkle again! I love making resolutions and  some say if you WRITE THEM DOWN,  they are easier realized. This isn't always true for me. But why break tradition?

So without further ado...here are some of my resolutions:

1.Be HAPPIER:This seems simple, but last year had a few happiness potholes, and I didn't navigate around them fast enough, got sucked in a bit of despair. I pulled out, but it left me feeling bland. I plan on Doing things that fulfill me, and bring me joy. Find the joy in the simple things I used to love.

2. Spend more time outdoors, exploring. I love hiking around, so if you know of any really awesome spots in Northern California, let me know!In the meantime, our little family started yesterday by sledding! Yay for me- that brought me great happiness AND  we were exploring!

3.Exercise and health are back on the table. I honestly fell off this wagon so much last year! But heres the deal, I think its a constant battle for some of us.  I personally LOVE food. I have a serious LOVE for some exercise. But the two don't always mix. Heres to mixing it up in 2013( note that number 2 incorporates EXERCISE TOO..;)

4. I am going back to journalling privately, to get to a better me. I am still gonna blog, just also have a private journal. 

5.Spiritually, I am doing ok, but scripture study is always in need of improvement, and I plan on fitting in monthly temple attendance.

6. SAVE MONEY AND GET OUT OF DEBT.  We have 2 more years til we can buy a house. But this year we plan on being  debt free! Whoo hoo for us!

7. (this goes with#6: save for our 10 year anniversary vacation!;) Its this June...and Frank has time off again in December! )

8. enjoy Eva more. I already delight in her, but shes growing so fast, I  feel like I need to relish every second!

9.this quote spoke to me and I am ending the resolutions with it: Talking about our problems is our greatest addiction. Break the habit. Talk about your joys!-Rita Schiano 

Now THATS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT!

Hope everyones 2013 is the best year yet! Heres to fresh beginnings! 

LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED

So I have missed blogging my life. I thought I would be a better blogger, and then get back to my journalling that was a huge part of my life for decades. But life got in the way. Here are my excuses and  WHY IM BLOGGING AGAIN:
First, we decided to move-again. This time we want to be on the fast track to pay off our debt, save huge amounts of money  and get back to being the homeowners we once were. However, renting is well, a touchy thing...its quite expensive to rent. We weren't seeing a way that we could accomplish saving for a home. We have been blessed to be invited into my hubby's sister's home so that we can do that. Truly, this woman is a saint, and I love her to death- even without us moving in to her home! I am so glad that she is as generous and kind as she is!
That does mean, though, that I gotta pack up EVERYTHING IN THE NEXT MONTH.
Second, my brace has kept me from falling. But my hip is not strong, and exercising and wearing the brace all day is harder than I thought. I am tired and have gotten blisters where the foot and leg are touching the brace. It has been discouraging. My body is not cooperating with me. I feel frustrated.  My elbow still hurts, and BenGay is my friend.
I have not been exercising. Confession. But I am back on track...kind of.
Third, I had to find my little girl  a preschool in the new area we were moving, this meant driving down and looking. I was Praying and worrying that I was making the right choice. I never felt good about them...until I went with my gut about a recommendation of a high school friend's.  I finally decided on that one. It started August 1st, we have been commuting a half hour most of August, 3 times a week....I say most because little E got sick and we were all down for the count for almost a week. We still have residuals of the colds. Or maybe its a new one. Who knows. The Kleenex company should give us coupons for how many boxes we have gone through! Blast them!
Fourth, and most importantly.... I have been given a unique opportunity to really ponder what and how and why I believe spiritually the way I do. To protect the innocent and even not so innocent, I will not use names or share situations, however,this is why I haven't blogged and why I need to now. Its also important to me to share here some of why I believe what I do. It helps me.
 So many who know me and read this know that my childhood was less than beautiful. I was raised by a drug using and selling, wife abusing, pedophiliac for a father, and a mother who did her best given her circumstances. We moved 30 times before I was 12( I don't like to move-and I like to make roots now because of this). We did not have religion in our home. But I always knew there was a God. ALWAYS. Not because I was ever taught...I just knew.
The people who knew me before I joined the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, or Mormons, say I haven't changed much. They say I am still kind and spiritual and yes, bossy, and they love me. They are the ones who rescued me from the hell that I knew as my home. They are the ones who gave me normalcy. You KNOW WHO YOU ARE.  To me, and for me, always, the same is true for The LDS faith. It rescued me. It brought me EVERYTHING: peace, understanding of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and it brought me FORGIVENESS. Because of the LDS faith, I  was able to heal from a past that had broken my spirit..on so many levels. I am the woman I am today BECAUSE OF MY FAITH. It is true to me. It is my path. It is my religion and I do love it. Perhaps because I came from the darkest place a person can come, I understand the need and the search for peace. I understand the need to find your place in this world, your sense of peace and understanding of what God wants for you. And I understand that my faith....is NOT FOR EVERYONE.
I believe there are MANY good and righteous paths for people to take in this world. I hope your path makes you as happy as mine makes me. I believe that God truly loves ALL OF HIS CHILDREN.  He wants to see us again. I think He wants and expects us to love each other, to allow for differences of opinion, remain respectful and reserve judgement for the Almighty, for only He know our hearts. I am far from perfect. I do not claim to know all things. I hope that if your understanding of my religion, my faith- is unfavorable, you respect me for my choice. Name calling and judgement are for the football field-not for someone's faith. I would leave a witness of what I think God wants from everyone- Or at least wants from me!It manifested itself  about 2 weeks ago by reading many scriptures and praying and fasting...it is simple...just LOVE EACH OTHER...I have truly been trying this method out...even halting my mind when I think unkind things about others, or myself. It has transformed me. I have a ways to go, but life is easier when you stop and just Love yourself and others...the Beatles had it right: ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE.

Spinach salad

Heres my salad go to for almost every night- you can adapt to your own specifications 

First cook your chicken!

I marinated my chicken breast in a little olive oil ,a couple shakes of  basil, garlic powder ( next time I will use real garlic and more lemon)salt , pepper and a lemon and lime juice overnight( You want your chicken juicy and flavorful but not overpowering....I baked it 350 about 45 minutes  and it seemed dry at first, but I threw the breasts in a ziplock and into the fridge for the week....Eva loves to eat "white chicken and I love it on my salads!

On a large plate place:

1.5 cups 50/50 salad(or whatever salad mix you like)

1.5 cups of fresh spinach

1/4 fuji apple sliced, very thin

about a handful of baby carrots ( if they are big for baby carrots you may have to slice them diagonal like I did.)

then take pieces of chicken out- about a 1/2 cup and place that on top ( add more if you like!)

top with a sprinkling of craisins and almonds

(when I have it I love to use slivers of kerrygold white aged cheddar- its Irish- and expensive but eva and I adore this cheese and a little goes a long, long way..) You can get it here in Sacramento at Raleys/BelAir or Sprouts (sprouts is about a $1 cheaper) I  cannot say enough about this cheese...just a little is so flavorful and good and sometimes Eva and I eat it sliced with apple slices for lunch! I also love it on top of my scrambled eggs....

Needless to say. We were out of the cheese. So I left it off, making it even more healthy....

Now the honey mustard dressing. I make enough for a week at a time.     This is the not good for you part! 

Equal Parts honey and regular yellow mustard (abt 1/4 cup)

double mayo so abt 1/2 cup

then the juice of 1 lemon

WHISK UNTIL COMBINED, DRIZZLE ONTO YOUR SALAD IN INCREMENTS OF TABLESPOONS 

THIS IS SO GOOD ON THE CHICKEN

You may have to adjust as the lemon could be too strong or it could be too sweet or too mustardy, but on the whole its pretty easy 

Memories of Mom

Hey Mom! This is a picture of you holding your first granddaughter, Tamara. You were never happier than when you were surrounded by babies, your children, a few kitties and the outdoors....You loved and cherished your privacy, and kept guarded secrets your entire life, but could chew the fat with complete strangers, telling them your life story at that moment. Your creative artistic heart molded you into the beautiful eccentric woman that touched so many. You were warm, kind to a fault, and taught me many, many things. 

You didn't trust the establishment, which included doctors, and this was your last worst mistake. You passed away six years today of cervical cancer. From the time you were diagnosed on February 10th til your passing, you fought like a warrior woman. Your doctors could not believe your fortitude. The Hospice nurses and caregivers even came away from their experience with amazement at your strength and sense of humor. You made us all laugh til the very end. You were called to the other side, and like you said in your last week, we don't get to pick when, He does. 

You left a huge hole on this side, one that has been difficult for those who love you. Oh, how we have missed you, how I have missed you....I have bared down and been strong, but this week has been rough. I have cried my fair share of sorry tears- I have felt sad I can't complain to you! Haha...you never liked that anyway!

Remember when I would come home as a child after being teased for my little cerebral palsy, and you would hold me as I cried and cried and cried? That is such a clear memory, your love dispelled the hate and the meanness, and now my memory only holds the beauty of my mother holding me at the worst times- I know you continue to hold me today and I am so grateful for you as my mom.  I have remembered you in the best of ways, and will continue to strive to be as kind and generous as you were during your lifetime. Today I thank you for being there when you could, and keeping a watchful eye now when we need you. I know we will meet again, and when we do, dear mother, I will be glad to chew the fat with you and catch up on the years passed. And perhaps ask you,  mother dearest, why you had to tell Eva about the joy of no shoes before she came down to bless us!