My mother's face

Today I went to see my Grandma and Granddad
Our relationship at its core is deeply complex. I get nervous going to see them. One of the reasons manifested itself today. During the visit, Grandma was playing with E and she made the EXACT  face my mother did when she would play with little children. I gasped and even said out loud this very fact. She continued to play with Eva and I looked on in wonder and also a jelly roll of uncomfortable pain in my stomach. My mom would have just gushed over E. It brings a tear to my eye just thinking on it.
I miss her so and to look at my grandma, so like my mom, I wanted to stay and keep looking. A here and now reminder of mom's expressions, and features.
Then Granddad was doing his usual- too much. Trying to plant flowers in the ground for spring- even when we ask to help him, he shoos away all of our requests. He has been extremely tired lately, and Grandma says he isn't doing well.  Still, he gave Eva a little potted flower and she lit up like a Christmas tree. My daughter loves plants as much as me or her Grandma Janet or her Great Grandparents.
He tired himself out after planting some of the flowers, and came in to sit a spell. He fell asleep in his chair and Eva and I went over to say goodbye- unintentionally waking him up. His mouth was EXACTLY  like mom's when I would wake her up. It was the second time during the visit that it took me by surprise. And it worried me. He looks too tired.  Too much like Mom did near the end. It made me scared.
They are in their 90's so its a older picture of my mom, but its still a glimpse. Like a shadow that passes.
This shadow is haunting and the grief and loss are still there, deeply buried in my heart. At certain times, the grief bubbles to the surface and her loss doesn't seem like a dream, but a fresh blood red cut-oozing and waiting for me to stop the bleeding. Tonight, I tried to bandage it the way I usually do- I ate crappy junk food. It used to do the trick. Since I have been eating healthier, it didn't work.The food tastes good for a sec, but then it made my stomach hurt and I wanted water. Water? Ya- on my THIRD GLASS TONIGHT!  And you know, the best part is that I was able to come and WRITE  about it. I have to just get through April with the right mindset. April is my "bad month" where I eat too much without thinking- trying to keep that wicked grief from bubbling up. And when it does to reach for a freakin carrot next time!  I may be a little maudlin and weepy for a while...you may not even hear from me til May but I AM TAKING APRIL BACK!
Here's a list of all the WONDERFUL THINGS ABOUT APRIL-
*I LOVE GENERAL CONFERENCE- AND I get to watch it in my pjs on my TV!
*Easter
* my sweet husband's birthday
* the month I usually start planning my summer garden, and planting early flowers and such
*IRONICALLY-  the month I conceived Eva- which I think of as mom's little hand in trying to make April a little better!
So, as in times past, writing and focusing on the positive...the pit in my stomach- better.

Randomly- tomorrow I get my brace! Its gonna be another adventure!